New Years Eve Eve

There hasn't been much going on here.

I've been sick as a dog since Christmas Day.

After meds, rest, tea and other fluids I feel like I've turned the corner.
(Knock on wood, fingers crossed)

If that holds true I will be spending NYE (a holiday I usually detest), with my guy.

Weird to say.

Weird.

If it actually happens.

I don't want to make him sick.

But if the trend stands...feeling better than the day before...well...my year may start out so much better than the past two have.

Happy, Healthy, Blessed New Year to all!

Merry Christmas

Things have been tough lately.

Doctors appointments, pains, unknowns.

But through it all I am blessed.

Wonderful family, friends...and an anchor. My Master.

So much to say, but going to finish this post (composed on my new iPad), watch a Christmas Story (again) and enjoy the rest of this beautiful holiday with my family.

Merry Christmas, one and all.

Home

i haven't been on a vacation in years.

Long weekends once or twice a year.

A quick getaway from the daily life in Norther NJ.

We are just back from our winter/Christmas trip to Maine.

Their slogan is "Maine. The way life should be".

It's true.

Slower.
Back to nature.
Simple.
Beautiful.

I would love to be back there now.

Make it home, instead a once a year trek.

Uproot everything. Sell. Consolidate. Move.

i can't see it happening, but

Never say never.

Post Cookie Post

What time is it?

ROAD TRIP TIME!

Will mobile check in when can.

Happy Weekend everyone!!

Merry Cookie Exchange!! Gluten Free Snikerdoodles

One of the most horrific things i faced when going gluten free years ago, was the loss of Christmas treats.

Not so any longer!

There are a world of recipes and products out there to stuff a celiacs head and tum with visions of gf sugar plums and puddings!

While not in this recipe, there is a magic product (and expensive. but magic) called C2C.

Available at WilliamSonoma Cup2Cup is a gluten free flour that you don't need to do math or measurements or combos of things never heard of, to bake with. It is magic.

On with the baking....

GLUTEN FREE Snikerdoodles!


Ingredients

• 1/2 c. (1 stick) butter, softened
• 3/4 c. sugar
• 1 large egg
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla
• 1 c. white rice flour
• 1/2 c. potato starch
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. cream of tartar
• 1/2 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. xanthan
• 2 Tb. sugar
• 2 tsp. cinnamon

Instructions

1. In the bowl of your mixer, cream together the butter and sugar.
2. Add the egg and vanilla and beat several minutes until light and fluffy.
3. In another bowl, combine flour, starch, salt, cream of tartar, baking soda, and xanthan gum.
4. Add dry ingredients to wet. Combine on low speed until combined then beat on medium speed about 30 seconds more.
5. In a very small bowl, combine the 2 Tb. sugar and the cinnamon.
6. Roll the dough into balls approximately 1 1/4 inches in diameter. Roll the balls in the cinnamon sugar.
7. Place them on a greased cookie sheet (Or parchment paper, better yet silicone mat) about 2 – 3 inches apart.
8. Bake at 350 degrees about 10 minutes.
9. Move to cookie rack to cool.
10. Enjoy!!

i so hope i am doing the link thing correctly and the links work to all the delicious treats and thoughts of these wonderful people...

Advizor54

aisha

Ally

Autumn in jeans

Beth

Dana

Elysia

Emi J,

Fiona

Greengirl

Hedone

HisLilAngel

Joey

Julia

Jz

Krissy

lil

Linda Long

Little Monkey

mouse (her recipe here, her blog here)

Mrs. Soft Bottom

Ms. Constance

Naughty Kitty

nilla

Penelope

Ronnie

Ryan Beaumont

Sassy

selkie, (her recipe here, her blog here)

Serenity

sin

Striving for Peace

TemptingSweets

Tom

Veronica

 

Merry Baking and Eating Everyone!

Shivers

I have them right now.

In a very good way.

Hoping hard things work out.

More to come.

Keep On Keeping On

i have not been doing well lately.

Not just lately, i guess. Since the summer.

i've gone against what i try to do.

Don't get too high, don't get too low.

To just keep swimming.

i've gotten too low.
and
i am barely treading water.

Gotta tell you.
It sucks.

i've forgotten that writing what's in my head makes me feel better.

i hope to keep that at the forefront in the coming days and weeks.

There are some things to catch up on.

Not right now.
i need to feel a little more steady before opening myself,
Remembering and telling.

i don't have right to ask for patience with me, but i'd like it anyway.

my journey has been hard, i've not been unscathed,
But i believe i am back on the road and out of the muck & mire
That i have been traveling through for months now.

Urge

I get the urge to blog when I am away from my laptop.

I am really not making any sense lately.

Long Time, No Say

Things have been quiet here.
Well, not really.

Things just haven't been worth writing about.
I've tried.
I have sat at the laptop
Ready to type....aaaaaand
Nothing.

Something is brewing.
Hopefully to get the creative
And other
Juices flowing.

I can only hope, wait and see.
It would sure be a nice change.

What Now

i have so many things to work through.

The job hunt is on going.
and going
and going.
Sigh.
Is the end in sight?
i sure as hell hope so.

Men.
Dominant Men.

Sigh.

i don't even know where to begin.

Roll call!

M.
We talk every night.
Yet i am frustrated.
He's hiding something.
If i can't get Him to open up...i'm done.
Soon.

D.
Oh. This one makes my head spin.
We haven't attempted a meeting since the last one went to shit.
But we cam and talk almost daily.
i don't have a great deal of patience.
He is wearing it thin.
But for some reason,
i am so very interested.
He makes me hope.
For something.
For everything i have been searching for.

T.
my handsome boy.
We have hot hot hot phone/im sex.
More?
i don't believe so.
But it's fun.

Is there anyone else?
Actually, there is.
i don't know where he fits in yet.
Meaning?
i don't know if he is single.
i don't know if he's honest.
That is a lot not to know.

So much. Too much and
i am so damn tired.

What A Day

Well. That happened. Or didn't.

Backstory!!!!

D and i have talked a lot.
Great conversations.
Laughter.
Naughty and nice.
Dom and sub.
It's been oh so good.

So, yesterday we made plans to get together today.
i wasn't able to get out of going to my sisters, so today was the day.

i didn't sleep well last night.
It took forever for me to fall asleep.
Waking when my alarm went off around 8.
i layed there being nervous for another hour.
Shower, shaved bare, body lotion...pampered myself
Mindful that i maybe touched everywhere when i finally see him.

i dress. His only request, my comfort...is no panties.
No problem-o.

Khaki shorts, pink vneck tshirt, beige bra and NO panties.
Flip flops.
Hair done, light makeup.

i was out the door by 11.
Ran an errand.
He was working half day.
We chatted before i hit the parkway.
GPS programmed and i was off.

Meeting at a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Upstairs, by the large windows.
12:30, but maybe a little late...wait for me...He asked.

As is my way, i was early.
No problem.
Bathroom, wander around the mall.
Then i went to the second floor.
By the large windows.

And i waited.
i leaned.
i sat.
i read.
a lot.
and i waited.
i txted Him.
No answer.
i was patient.
Really, i was.
By the second hour i was less patient.
Bright site, i read three books and didn't pay a cent.

Fast forward a bit...
i was upset.
Worried.
Sad.
Lonely.
Worried.

He didn't show up.
i actually felt bad leaving.

i don't think i have ever felt so horrible in my life.
my mind went whirling.
Did He see me and not want to meet me?
Did He change his mind?
Then anger.
i drove up the Parkway in a daze.
Until 5 miles from home i get a Yahoo instant message.
From Him.

i pulled off to very next exit and found a parking lot.
NO TEXTING AND DRIVING
Anyway...
He was in a car accident.
Was still at the garage where he was towed.
We had a great conversation.
He knew i was upset.
i was worried he was hurt.
Feeling like crap that i felt like crap.
i cried.
Freaked him out.
But i did.
We aren't going to see each other tomorrow.
But we said soon.
Soon.
Soulda been today if that asshole hadn't rear ended my mans BMW.

i was supposed to be rear ended.
Damn it.

Even though He had an accident, he was unhurt...i felt...
Better
Lighter
Happier
He didn't mean to leave me waiting.
His car was smashed and phone was crapped out.
Shit happens.

My day didn't turn out as planned.
But laying here, after feeling the way i did
People watching at B&N
It could have been so much worse.

Mobile Test

i am seeing how the Blogger app works on the iPhone.
So.
Did it work?
i don't know if i like it.
EDITED....ok. i like.

Silence

To me there is a difference between quiet and silence.

Quiet, i can deal with, i actually like.
It's peace.
It's not having to fill every second with sound.
Being comfortable not to have to say anything.

Silence.
i don't do well with silence.
Silence fills my brain with
What did i do?
What did i say?
Too many questions.
Dark, scary answers are formed.
Silence makes me feel alone, abandoned.

i wish i could totally get past it.
There are times where i feel like
i am in a better place with it.
i don't jump as quickly to the conclusions i used to.
i feel like i just say, whatever, or it is what it is
When i feel the silence envelope me.

But it lingers.
Until i hear something
Anything.
Noise to fill the void.

Down Days

Everyone is healthy.

The weather is beautiful.

Yet i am in a funk.

i have said to everyone throughout this job search...
"i don't get too high. i don't get too low. i just keep at it."

It's a lie.

i am very low right now.
Having a hard time pulling myself up.

i will be spending some time with my brother and his family this weekend.

Maybe that will bring a smile to not only my face, but to my soul.

i need to feel that.

Being down sucks.
Being on the cusp and looking down into a pit of depression really sucks.

Know what doesn't suck...a pit of puppies.
i can't wait until i pull up and the pit of depression turns into a pit of puppies.

Tears

i am not in a good way today.

i thought i was, despite the gray weather i was in a pretty good place
Mentally, emotionally.

Now.
i can't seem to stop crying.
And i fucking HATE to cry.

i got a text from someone, who is one of the bright lights in my life.
If i had brothers or sisters, she would be my niece.
Her Dad is the closest thing i have to a brother, to family other then my parents.
Her text made me see and feel like i don't mean as much to her and her family that they do to me.

Hence the tears.
The hurt that i just can't make go away.

Worse yet.
i have no one to talk to.

D is at work.
M is in the wind, again. (getting frustrated with him, another post)

So, on top of the hurt, i feel lonely.

Great. Sob, sad pity party.
Fuck. i hate that.

Too Late For TMI Tuesday

But ah well. i'm a rebel.

TMI

i am obsessed with fisting.

OB. SSESSED.

Do i think i could take it?
Most likely not, but i can't wait to give it a try.

Successful First Conversation

"Do you like to be naughty." -D

"yes" -me

"Do you have any toys?" -D

"Yes, i have a toy bag" -me

"Get out your favorite and wait for me" -D

Oh. My.

Things have gone from negative 4 to 50 in no time.
i figured out voice and video chat on yahoo.

Enjoyable.

Not just typing the words, but hearing his voice and then seeing him.

Beyond enjoyable.

We talked for over 2 hours.
While He was at work.

About everything.
Animals,
Family,
Frustrations,
Parties...

You name it, we hit on a little.

Then he asked the above questions.

And i melted.
Then He made me cum.
Twice.

Then i watched Him cum.

Outstanding.

Best.
First.
Conversation.
Ever.

He messaged me thru the afternoon.

i am happy.
Hopeful.

Time to Catch up

Summer is in full swing.

Sorta.

Definitely party wise.
Party's for graduations, party's for just cause it's Saturday.

Summer is not in full swing weather wise.
i was shivering last night.
At a graduation party.

Full body, i wish i wasn't wearing flip flops, crops and a thin tshirt.
Shivers.

Now, i don't dislike the chilly weather.
In fact, i enjoy that over the sweltering, sunny, sweat weather.
But this was just wrong.

Anyway, party was great.
Weekend away was relaxing and fun.
Great friends, good food and drink.

Back to reality, back to the grind.
What grind can an out of work person have you ask?

The grind of not going insane while researching and looking for employment.

That is harder then any day i spent at an actual paying job.

As this is shaping up as being a random, all over the map
Weather, i am unemployed post,
i may as well add how things are going with the newest cast of characters.

M
Sweet, talk nightly on im
Some talk of moving on to the next phase, phone,
But he seems reluctant.
Red flag.
Married?
Lying about something.
Hiding.
i don't know.
Will see what happens this week.

D
im conversations as well.
He as given me tasks, that i have obeyed.
Love this.
A lot.
Pictures have been exchanged.
Naughty ones.
Very out of character for me.
He has my personal email.
Not just yahoo.
No red flags as of yet.
Have to see what happens tomorrow.
He was away this weekend, and hasn't replied to my email yet.
i don't want to get my hopes up just yet.

S
Met for lunch a week and a half ago.
Shared easy conversation.
Enjoyed each others company.
Haven't heard from him since.
Not a great loss, i wasn't attracted to him, but would have been nice for him not to disappear.
i would have enjoyed talking with him.
He was interesting, funny.
Just didn't feel it.

That catches us up for now.
i will update what Monday brings, whether D responds and how my conversation with M tonight goes.

100

Over the past weeks it seemed like i wouldn't get here.
This is my 100th post.

i went for a while where i had nothing to say.

Nothing to say equals very little, to nothing to write.

Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for visiting.
Thank you for reading.

It is with that in mind that i will promise...
NOTE: i never break a promise
...to write here, often.

No matter what is or is not going on.
i won't bore you either.
i will be creative, i will be funny.

i will also be, heads up here, boring.
Whatever is going on in my head, heart will be here.

That is why i started this, and i got away from it.
No more.
Y'all will have something to read when you visit.
That's a promise.

Left Hanging

That is how i feel.

D and M.

Both conversations have come to a complete halt.
D, well, that doesn't bother me so much.
We hadn't talked long.
i have written him off.

But M.
We have talked every night.
Not missing a night.
A few hours conversation.
Not just about D/s/
Everything.
It was nice.
Beyond nice.
It felt good.

Then last night, i sent a remark, can't even tell you what it was.
No reply.
Nothing.
i am waiting online for him, even though i feel it that he's not coming back.
Ah well.

Concentration focused on ST.
Hope tomorrow goes well.
i need to relax, get beauty sleep.
Focus on the real world.
Not the world that goes on in the im box.

No matter how real and right that box of conversation felt.

Instructions

i was given instructions on how i am to dress for our meeting.

Skirt, stockings or pantyhose.
Ut Oh.

i don't own either.

He seemed thrown by that.
i said i would see what i could do.
i would like to do as he asked.
But
i can't purchase things.
i have been looking for a job, so i don't have money to spare.

i wouldn't have to just find the skirt and pantyhose.
But shoes to wear as well.
i am not a normal shoe female.
i detest shoe shopping.

He asked that i look like a woman.
Not in sweats.
i never leave the house that way.

i wonder what i will do.

Time Travel, Please

i hate this part.

Can't we figure out a way to fast forward through this?
Crystal ball?
Time machine maybe?

The unease.
The unknown.

i would really like to know without getting hurt.
Physically
Emotionally.

ST and i have moved on to phone conversation.
So far it's enjoyable.
Meeting is set for Tuesday at one of the bigger malls in the area.

M and i talk online every night.
i am unsure.
He doesn't give up much personal information.
Huge red flag.
If he opens up it could be a good thing.

D and i were chatting, but he left the conversation suddenly and hasn't responded since.
That has put him out of the picture.

i wonder if you can build a time machine out of a Jeep?
Oh, where is Doc Brown when you need him?!

Who's Who

Since being back on cm i have gotten messages and started conversations with several interesting men.

i am very curious about three.

M.
Lives in CT, but that's not too far away.
Have had a great im conversation with him.

ST.
i have his phone number.
Debating calling tonight

D.
i gave him my im.
i hope we chat soon.

The newest cast of characters.
i can't wait to see what happens next.

ANOTHER??

Is this too much now???!!!
Third post in a matter of minutes....

i am back on cm...right now in fact.

i am nervous jumping back into the deep end.
Without swimmies or other water rescue devices.

Ah well...swim or sink...so...swim it is.

CANNON BALL!!!!

New Toys

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Completely Done

i found my back bone.

S is completely history.
i am 100% fine with that.
He continued how he was, at the very least he is lazy.
At the most he really was uninterested in putting in any time or effort.

Pardon my mouth...but i just don't give a shit anymore.

i am submissive, but i do not and will not walk on egg shells.
i was doing that.
i feel the need to spank myself for that.

i wish you well S...but good riddance.

Battle scars

i am coming down from dinner at my sisters last night.

Holy crap.
Desert Storm was less explosive.

My sis and her live in boyfriend have a volatile relationship.

He has moved out before.
That lasted a month.

They were ok, getting along, not really fighting.
i say "not really" because my sis lives for drama.
me? Not so much.

Anyway.

Sitting at the dinner table and all hell breaks loose.
It was awkward.
Annoying.
Loud.
Wanting to leave, but not seeing an opening to do so.
Thankfully there was another friend there, to commiserate with.
After a bit we escaped to the living room.
Or as she said "neutral terroritory"
It was that until he wandered in to use her computer...That was until she turned off the power...
It was great...no.

She is unhappy.
Very much so.
i told her to kick his ass out. Change the locks. Don't look back.

She needs to make herself and her boys the priority.

Will she do this?
Who knows.

He left for work.
Texted the rest of the night to say he was sorry.
That is a weak, pissant, douche bag play.

i will have a list of conversations that should NEVER be texted in a later post, but for now...
I'm sorry for the screaming and making you cry, should never be in the form of a text.

Will he stay? Will he go?

i hope he goes.
i think they will be happier apart.

Only time will tell what happens next.

Geek Girl

Happy STAR WARS DAY!!!

Yes.

i am a proud
T-shirt wearing geek.

A cute one.

MAY THE 4TH BE WITH YOU. ALWAYS.

Sigh

There are times when i wonder if i have a back bone.

i've had surgery there.
X-rays.
So. Medically, i know it's there.

S is back.
Not that he was gone long.

Why?
Don't know.

Am i good with it?
Don't know.

For how long?
Don't know.

We've had a decent talk.
There needs to be more though.

Will there be?
i just don't know.

Sigh.

Jumbled

It's what i've been.
i hate it.

All over the place.
No focus.
No anchor.

A lot of this has to do with S.

i've had my questions and doubts about him.
Maybe i've ignored that inner voice.
But i thought there was something good to be had there.

i was wrong.

i won't say anymore about him.
he doesn't deserve it.

Something interesting has been happening.
Thoughts of Him.
More often.
It was His birthday.
i stopped myself from sending him an email.
Do you know that even if you delete someone from your contacts the address stays there?
Yea, i found that out when i typed his in.

i didn't send it.
The first anniversary of our first meeting is coming up.
i passed the hotel recently.
i had a very physical reaction.
An unwelcome one.
i need to move past.

So.
Where to go from here.
Blogging more.
Going back to collarme.
Maybe fetlife.
The last one i am unsure of.

i know what i need.
i know what i crave.
i just seem to have an issue finding it and holding on.

Shades of Gray

As i have said in the past i am a proud kindle owner.
my KT is doing well, we are used to each other.
i am still saddened by the untimely demise of my K1, but life goes on.

i read everything.

Fiction.
History
Biographies...

You name it...well, almost everything.

i can not get into paranormal, vampire stuff.

Since the kindle came into my life i found erotica.
Fun, orgasm inspiring, mindless entertainment.

i knew about the latest craze, 50 Shades of Gray before it exploded into the mainstream.
i'm not a fan.
i downloaded a sample.
i'm not a fan.

Yes, i'm a fan of kink, D/s, BDSM books.
Look up Cherise Sinclaire, or Maya banks...yum.
So, i am going to pass on this latest craze.

i had an interesting encounter with S last night.
i will put that in another post.
it deserves it's own space.

Confession

When it ended with Him i was hurt.
Duh.
i have moved passed it.
But still
He comes to mind every now and then.
i Wonder how his nana is fairing.
How he is.
Yes. Who he is with.
Not often.

W/we were very vocal and communicative.
Hundreds of emails.
Stories.
Fantasies.
Teasing.

Those were deleted in December.

Two voice mails remain.

i've listened to them both twice.

His deep, commanding, sexy voice as he talks dirty to me.
Stroking his cock as he tells me how he misses me.
What he wants to do with me.
Using his nickname for me.
Moaning my name when he cums.

Fuck.
i know i need to delete them.
Cut the last reminder.
But i am finding it difficult.

i know there is no way to go back.
i wouldn't want to.

But listening to him jerk off...seeing him naked in bed, watching me, stroking...
sigh
i can't delete it just yet.

although i wish i could.

So Much Nothingness For So Long

i haven't had much to say.

Not exactly what someone with a blog...any sort of blog...vanilla or otherwise...should admit to.
And being away for so long...naughty, bad blogger.
Spank me.

And yet
Things seem to be turning around with the turn of the weather.

The job search is stagnant.
Resumes out and about.
No word back.

O is in the wind and i am glad for it.
He turned into a grade A, heartless SOB.

S.
Ah. S.
With some things He says, He makes me tell him "God save me from you being an ass."
Not a very submissive statement is it?!
He is a great guy. With brain farts.
Seems as if he is looking for a statement or sign that i want to break up with him.
Not so.
i would like more time with him.
i've told him so, often.
W/we've finally had sex.
It was great.
He took pictures of his cock in my mouth.
His cock in His cunt.
(i have fucked myself to the pics, with his permission, often)
i didn't cum.
He did.
Deep in my cunt.
It was in a safe window in my cycle.
He freaked a bit.
i finally have my period.
Thankfully.
Neither of us are ready for that step.
Will we ever be?
Don't know.

T.
Even with everything with S.
i am still hung up on T.
We haven't met...yet.
Coffee is planned before his next Canada trip.
Coffee were i go pantyless.
Last night...and right now...we had and are having the hottest im conversation i have ever experienced.
Even other ones with him haven't been this hot. This needy. This amazing.
i am a different person with T.
i let go completely.
No shame. No judgement for what i need. What i want.
The only problem?
i don't know if He is single.
i am a horrible person. But i can't stop. i don't want to stop.

So that is where i am.
my head is all over the place.
Same with my heart.

Speechless

That's what i've felt like lately.

Frustrated, tired...speechless.

If you read here...from the bottom of my heart, Thank you.
i will be back next week.
Between now and then i hope things happen that get my creative and other juices, flowing.

All's Quiet On This Front

A whole lot of nothing.

Sigh.

In a way, it's good.
Gives me time to reflect, take stock, plan.

What do I want.
What do I need.

I wish I had the answers.

In the meantime...
My mourning period has ended.

My sweet kindle.

His brother kindle, KT (kindle touch) is here.
I don't know what to make of it just yet.
If I'm comfortable with it.

I am taking my time to make sure.
As I am with S. Taking my time to make sure.

Tragic passing

SOB

My beloved kindle.
He passed away yesterday.
i did all i could do.
Looked on every site.
Every possible remedy.
Every possible fix.

i tried them all.
To no avail.

Two and a half years, doesn't seem like long enough.
Daily contact.
Loosing myself in history, kink, adventure, fantasy.
Finding unknown authors.
Books i wouldn't have found or read otherwise.

It is a sad, sad day for me.
Sure, i can just order another one.
i will.
A kindle is an indispensable item for me.

Just not yet.
It's too soon.

In lieu of flowers or cards...Please, read a book.

Frustrated

With the job hunt.
With S.
With everything.

i feel scattered in so many direction.
No focus.
No light at the end of the tunnel.

Wow.
i am a Debbie downer right now.

i hate that.

Choice

my beliefs are many and diverse.
i take from many trains of thought.
Many aspects that to some may seem to butt heads instead of agree.

i believe in God.
Yet i don't go to church.
i don't want someone to preach at me.
i read the Bible.
i am a Conservative...although lately researching libertarians and their beliefs.

i say this and you may see someone who is anti abortion.
Anti birth control.

Do not paint me with the right side of your brush.

i am not pro choice.
i am not anti abortion.

Confused?

Here is my stance.

GET OUT OF MY WOMB.

These issues do not belong in laws, lectured by old men and woman who only say these things to court one side of a voting block or another.

These are medical, personal issues.

Would i choose to have an abortion?
i have never been in the position.
Typing right now, i would say it would not be my choice.
But i DO NOT begrudge any other woman, man, family facing that question their right to have that as an option.

As for birth control.
Sigh.
Why does it need to be in a law?
Look in your insurance policy.
i did.
i am not going to depend on my employer whether they have to provide something or not.
And honestly?
i don't want to go to my boss, company and have them know whether i am on the pill or not.
And for full honesty again, i am not.
i choose not to add further chemicals into my body.
Again. my choice.
(The thought of a bowl of condoms in the break room makes me giggle)

So.
In this day and age, where we will NEVER see both sides of the street, let people have their own opinions without degrading or shouting them down because they are different...this is where i stand...

I stand for Me.
My health.
My well being.
In my hands.
I would never tell another person what is best or right for them to do.
So, please, don't tell me.

And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY...
GET OUT OF MY WOMB.

V-Day

Happy Valentine's Day.

Whichever you celebrate.
However you celebrate.
As a single or as a couple.

me?

i choose to celebrate with chocolate and the Westminster Dog Show.
Go Golden Retriever!!!

Damn. He didn't get picked out of his group.

Damn. Damn.

Team Dalmatian then.

xoxoxoxox

New Start?

Well, S knows about the other men.
i told him.
He was taking me for granted and i let him in that there are men who want more with me.
Me.
Yea, i'm blown away by that.
Anyway.
He needs to stop being uncommunicative, dismissive.
That's not him. And i wanted to know why he felt he could treat me that way.
Yes. i'm submissive. Sexually. i won't tolerate being treated like he has been.
Was it an ultimatum.
No.
i don't do them.
i said my peace.
i like him.
Want to see where W/we can go.
The other guys are friends.
Waiting for him to fail.
Waiting for me to come to my senses?
i still have faith in S.
i have seen his heart, his humor...i like what i've seen.
i just need consistency.
If not...well...

Cast Changes

T.
Ah crap.
The s.o.b. has a live in...i honestly don't know what to call her.
He says it started out as her needing a place to stay.
He said it seemed like a good idea at the time. They sleep together.
But, here is the best part. He's not happy.
Why.
i don't know.
i am pissed.
i like this guy.
Looked forward to getting to know more.
Funny.
Smart.
Cute.
Alpha.
Talented.
What the fuck.

Playdate

"Get your toys."

i knew i was in for it.
W/we haven't played for a while.
Life, kids, family gets in the way.

Clamps.
Inflatable butt plug.
Pussy pump.
Pussy beads.

One at a time.

The plug gets lubed up and pushed in first.
Then the beads. One at a time.
i am very tight, so it takes a lot to get five large beads inside me.
6 pumps to start.

"Put on the clamps."

Now.
i hate nipple clamps.
i try and focus on him. My cunt.
But it's hard.
i put them on.
Oh. Did i mention they have a weight on them?
Great.

i pinch my nipples and put the clamps on.

i follow all of his commands.
Pumped the plug up to 11.
Next i put the pussy pump on.
Made my lips and clit all puffy.

i begged.
For more.
For relief.
For him to stop.

He made me cum 5 times.
That may not sound like a lot.
For me it is.

Two hours.
i am covered in sweat, tears (good and bad ones) and my cum.
The only thing better would be to be covered in his cum.

Craving

i am not normal.
Never claimed to be.
i crave many things right now.
Salty. Mmm potato chips.
Sweet. Chocolate (Hello pms)
Pleasure.
Pain.

i am experiencing the pain right now.

One of my new toys.
i dislike.
Well.
Maybe.

"Put in the inflatable plug and pump it until you can't take anymore. Then pump it one more time."

Yes Sir.

So. Here i type. Full beyond belief. Close to tears.
i have to shower with this in.
i should have showered first, blogged second.
Never claimed to be brilliant either.

Oh. And, yeah. i dislike. At least right now.

Not too much

So. What's been happening here?
As post title says...not too much.
Or has there?

The unemployment search is on.
Applying for unemployment. Thank God it's online.
Resumes being emailed, research being done.
i am not going to get too high or too low with this process.

Went to a kick ass concert last night.
My ass and face were rocked off...rock concert you ask? Nope. Country.
My head is still ringing and filled with great music i can not stop singing.

Things with T are at a stand still.
He is out of the country.
Hoping when he is back things heat up.

Things with O. Hmm.
Spent the day with him.
Oh such a great time.

Things with S.
Sigh.
i still don't know.
We text.
He orders.
He commands.
i follow.
Maybe we will be in touching range again. Soon.
i hope.

i need one of these guys to take a stand.
What do they want.
They know where i stand.
i need a full relationship.
D/s, BDSM and vanilla.
Am i asking a lot?

Cliche

Everything happens for a reason.
Yup.
A cliche.
But right now...i hope it's true.
I arrived at work today to see next weeks work schedule...no hours.
Nothing.
Nada.
Ok. Well. i figure that maybe it was just my turn to be off the schedule.
No so much.
After i clocked out, i was told that that was my last day. That's about as unprofessional as it gets.
Seasonal employees are no longer needed.
i had high hopes to stay on.
So.
Everything happens for a reason.
It hurts right now.
The questions.
What did i do?
What didn't i do?
Then i remembered that i busted my ass every day.
Never standing still.
Never leaning.
Always doing something.
Then i look to the management.
Dysfunctional.
Non communicative.
Was i perfect, no. Did i do my best, always.
What's next?
i just don't know.
Everything happens for a reason.
Off to google "unemployment benefits"

Cast of Characters

Looking back over my blog...things are a bit confusing.
i am single. Looking for a partner, boyfriend, Dom, Master.
i need that to be in one person. i can not be in a vanilla relationship and have a Dom on the side.
i am honest and loyal. i need to be in love and respected by my Dom, and would never cheat to get that.
Right now...well, it seems as if i am juggling a few men.
i don't believe i am.
i believe i am trying to find the one man who will respect, love, train, and collar me...as well as share the every day.
The men i am talking with:
S: He is divorced, three kids. He doesn't communicate well, but i do enjoy being with him. Unfortunately i don't know what will come from him day after day.
T: i have talked with him the longest. W/we haven't met yet. W/we have had AMAZING cyber and phone sex. He is divorced, one kid (grown up), funny, sweet. It looks like i will finally see him in a week and two days.
O: i met him in person last year. For what ever reason we lost contact. Only recently reconnecting.
He is older, knows who he is and what he wants. That is a great turn on. Has the communication skills S lacks.
It is hard finding a man to share your life with in a vanilla relationship. Throw in kink and it's near impossible.
i am trying to follow my gut and my heart.
And as Dory says in "Finding Nemo" "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"

What's new

i did not mean to let so much time go between posting.
Bad blogger.
As for being a sub...well...
i am so lost feeling when it comes to S.
What are we?
What are his expectations?
i am even questioning whether or not he would respect my limits.
i have a hard limit of adding anyone to our play and/or relationship.
He makes comments.
"I should give you to a domme"
Ummm...no. no you shouldn't.
He asked me what my dirties fantasy was.
as a FANTASY...it's being fucked by two men at the same time.
BUT in REAL life i want my mans cock and a dildo.
He said he wants to give me that...with him and another man.
my next conversation with him will be about my limits.
His limits.
If they don't align...well, we are both wasting our time.
We did have that conversation after we first met.
Now it seems as he is changing his tune.
A tune that i won't sing.
i maybe a sexual submissive but i have a backbone. i have my limits. i and they will be respected.
We'll see what happens next.

Finally

i am back to work tomorrow.
Jury duty came and went.
i didn't convict anyone.
i didn't actually sit on a jury.
i spent my time off of work reading, relaxing with my heating pad (wonky back), talking and seeing S.
Everything but jury duty.
Oh well.
Back to normal tomorrow, followed by family party.
Something i want to tell S about. But another, stronger feeling, that it's too soon.
i would like him there. i believe he would get along with my friends and family well.
i think i will go with the stronger feeling and not invite him.
We'll see.
Happy weekend everyone!

A Dark & Stormy Night

i hate to take the start of Snoopy's great novel, but it is fitting.
Last night, in the rain, snow, freezing rain...i met S for a date.
It was last minute. i hate last minute, but decided to go anyway.
He has kids, so needs to plan around them.
Anyway, around 7ish he called.
i showered.
Packed some of my new toys.
And drove.
and drove.
Finally meeting Him.
i love that he hugs. i love his kisses.
Even in the freezing rain.
We had coffee.
i followed him to his house.
What i saw of it, it's nice.
He kissed me.
Stripped me.
Put me on my knees.
And fucked my face.
Hands tight in my hair.
All i could do was breath and try and give him what he wanted, needed.
We tried some of the toys.
Nipple pumps.
Inflatable butt plug.
i am still tender in places.
Still wanting him.
Wishing the weather had been better to stay longer.
He warmed me, used me, gave me pleasure before i had to go home.
It was spur of the moment, but turned out being something spectacular.

Lately

i have been in a bit of a funk.
Not wanting to talk, blog.
Just wanting to be.
That doesn't give you anything to read about and for that i am sorry.
On the bright side...well, maybe it's a bright side, still too soon to tell...
S is still in the picture.
He has been more communicative.
There is a new man.
And an old friend popping back in.
C is the new man.
He is way more Dom like then anyone i have talked with or been with yet.
He makes me squirm.
He makes me wet.
T is the old friend.
Fun, sweet, rough...i have enjoyed our talks greatly.
We shall see.
But for now, i am just going to be.
Refresh.
Recover.

Puh...WHAT??!!

It turns out S was frustrated and pissed off at me.
Something i said last Tuesday when we met.
And something...wait for it...he can't remember that i said on Monday night.
That was the almost two days of silence.
i am at a loss.
a complete and utter loss at what to say. think. feel.
i told him i thought he was in the wind.
After we talked some i said that i am not always going to like what he has to say and i will let him know. Communication is essential.
Silence is never golden with me.
Ever.
This doesn't happen again. Next time i won't get worried, then pissed, then upset. i will just get pissed and delete your existence...which i had already...from my iPhone and life.
What next.
Got me.
Just have to see what tomorrow brings.
Oh, i didn't mention to him the men who messaged me on cm in the short amount of time i was on there today.
It was a busy day off.

At the starting gate yet again

S turned out to be a bust.

i am self aware.
i know my faults.
i try and improve where i lack.
Not repeat past mistakes.
And yet continue to be treated the same way.
i'm going to throw everything out.
Throw away the second guessing, the holding my tongue, the what-ifs, feeling like i'm on egg shells.
Gone.
i feel lighter at this starting gate.
Let's see who's to come.

Requirements

i don't require much. i am definitely not high maintenance.
All i ever ask for is honesty, faithfulness and communication.
my only rules are 1. Never lie to me. Anything can be worked out as long as you tell the truth.
2. Don't cheat on me. Have enough respect for me and the relationship to tell me if you are unhappy.
3. Don't ever hit me...well, in anger. I will hit back and never fairly. (lesson learned the hard way). 3. Communication is essential.
So, why do i find the ones who lack communication?
i am at a loss.
Don't know if i am more hurt, angry or confused.
Maybe a little of each.
i hate going back over conversations in my mind to decipher what i may have said to have brought on the silent treatment...it's making my head hurt.
Ah well.
Going to shut my brain down now...before it explodes.