2012

Happy
Safe
Healthy
Lovely
Naughty
Pervy
Kinky
Prosperous
New Year Everyone!

Post Christmas goings on

Well, last night after weeks of talking and meetings being interrupted by work and life...
S and i finally met face to face.
and lip to lip...but that came later.
We agreed to meet at a Starbucks between where we live.
It was pouring rain. Buckets.
But that didn't put a (pardon the pun) damper on things.
We had a great conversation over coffee.
Followed by a walk when the rain stopped.
Followed by him pulling me close and kissing me.
Mmmm
He is such a good kisser.
His hands wandered down my back...to my ass.
Oh, and did i mention he instructed me to insert a butt plug?
i did.
He was pleased. And proceeded to press into it.
Even further pleased when i informed him i didn't have panties on.
Following that we went for a drive, no where in particular, to see the Christmas lights. i drove.
Followed by parking in a dark spot to talk more.
He asked where my head was.
What i wanted.
i stepped out on the ledge and told him
"You. i want to submit to you."
Thinking back gives me such shivers.
He grabbed my hair and pulled me to him in a kiss so hot.
He pinched my nipples.
(i have very sensitive nipples)
and kissed me silly.
Today has brought some texts.
Being busy with work.
i am not going to get my hopes up.
i like him, a lot.
and would love to see where things go and what grows.

Christmas happiness

What a wonderful Christmas. A fast and merry holiday.
Fun with the family, great presents, tasty food and sweets.
Sigh.
It goes by too fast.
Best presents...tickets to see Miranda Lambert in concert, a framed picture of my favorite kids and a silver bracelet.
Best given present...necklace to Mom, Disney Jim Shore statue to Dad, stuffed animal to my other favorite kid.
It comes and goes so quickly.

Merry Everything!

New friends & old.
Near & far.
Blessings, wishes of Joy, Health & Happiness.
Merry Christmas one & all!

A "no post" post

A relaxing Sunday, spent cleaning, crafting and laying around in pj's.
i have nothing to blog about.
A busy week on the horizon.
A fun Tuesday off planned.
Christmas decorating to be done.
huh. look at that. i had something to blog about after all.
:)

Wondering

Things on my mind lately.
Christmas presents...what to get who, will they like it, should it get. such a vicious circle.
Job...is there growth? will it go past seasonal? do i even want it too?
Men, Dom & Him...Still talking with S. Haven't been able to meet in person yet. Work, his kids and life seem to get in the way. Which is fine. This is a busy time of year.
And Him.
i hate that i still think of him. Wonder. Hope he and his family are well. Think back of our time together and want to know why he bailed. Sigh.
i would love to stop wondering and thinking about him.
i believe i will try to think about Christmas, carols, candies, Christ, presents, family, lights and decorations instead.
Hope that works out.

Good Day

Finally had a day off.
i made the best of it.
Errands, Christmas shopping, making out all my Christmas cards, cleaning...
i accomplished a lot today!
Settling in after checking my emails to make a few presents.
Bracelets and ornaments.
i'm feeling very Christmassy right now, and i love it!!

Candy Cane Bark

Not hard at all!!

2 double boilers. One to melt good dark (or milk) chocolate the other for white chocolate. You can also melt the chocolate in a microwave, but need to keep a good eye on it. Try 15 to 30 seconds at a time, taking it out to mix.

Peel candy canes...you can decide on how many. I usually use two boxes (minus one to snack on) of full size canes, or you can use the minis.
Put in two ziplock baggies (the next step will create holes). SMASH. Great way to take out aggressions and frustrations.
Pour melted dark or milk chocolate on a cookie sheet (you can line with a silpat or parchment, or not). Spread in a layer, thickness is your choice.
Let cool somewhat. Sorry, never paid attention to the time.
Pour white chocolate on top.
I then sprinkle the smashed canes over the white, but you can also put it between the layers.
I find the red and white looks festive.
Easy-peasy!!
I hope it is enjoyed!

Holiday Fun

The first of the Christmas parties was last night.
S decided to make himself known.
Texts. Instructions.
Go to the bathroom.
take off your panties.
pinch your right nipple. Hard. Harder.
Cum.
In my brothers bathroom with family and friends on the other side of the door.
And i did.
i received a "good girl"
That made it worth explaining the blushing cheeks when i got out of the bathroom.

Another treat

Not a cookie for the exchange...but instead of cookies this year I am going to make candies.
Dark chocolate blueberry bark.
Candy cane bark.
Chocolate covered orange peel.
The list is still being compiled.
I am looking forward to being Willy Wonka this Christmas.

Gluten Free Chocolate Crinkle Cookies

These had been my favorite pre-celiac days. This GF version is just as tasty!

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 4 squares unsweetened chocolate, melted
• 2 cups sugar
• 3 eggs
• 2 tsp vanilla
• 2 cups rice flour mix (mix together 2 cups rice flour, 2/3 cup potato starch 1/3 tapioca starch)
• 1/2 tsp xanthan gum
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1 tsp baking powder
• confectioner’s sugar

Directions:

1. Mix oil, chocolate, and sugar. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing thoroughly between each. Add vanilla.
2. Sift dry ingredients together. Stir into chocolate mixture. Refrigerate several hours.
3. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Form dough into balls (coat your hands in powered sugar to avoid the dough sticking to your hands) and roll in confectioner’s sugar to coat.
4. Place about 2″ apart on parchment lined baking sheets. Bake about 10-14 minutes.

After being diagnosed as a celiac I hated baking, and didn't want to face holiday baking. but slowly research, trial and errors brought about several goodies that are easy to make and really you can't tell the difference.

This year my plan is to try out King Arthur Gluten-Free Flour and C2C (found at william sonoma and ridiculously expensive, but worth a try) instead of a flour mix.

Happy Baking and Merry Christmas!

I can't wait to try some of the other recipes!
Aisha
Alice
Ally
Another Suburban Mom
Ashly Star
Beau
Beth
Conina
Elysia
greengirl
Hedone
Jack & Jill
His wyld rose
Infidelity Chronicles
Jz
Kirsti
lil
Linda Long
Little Monkey
Lola!
Mijena
mouse
Naughty Kitty
nilla
ponderouspet
ronnie
Rose
Ryan
Sara
selkie (her recipe here, her blog here)
Sephani Page
Serenity
shadesofblue
striving for peace
sin
Tempting Sweets
The Missus
undercovermetamorphosis
Viemoira
Copy and paste worked!!! :)

Home and then some

Road trips are great.
Coming home is nice.
Your own bed is even more comfortable after days in a hotel bed.
The first full day home...sucks.
Unpacking.
Laundry.
Cleaning.
Blah.
Anyway...
I made a tentative date with S...one of the two...
He wanted tonight.
Sadly, pms, mega cramps, not wanting to shower and feeling like shit, stopped me.
So, sometime this week.
He is making me want to do something i don't usually.
Something sexual.
Naked.
Dirty.
On a first date, or first meeting.
With him...i want to.
We'll see.
i have some time, we will talk it over.
He's not pushing.
At least it doesn't feel like he is.
i can make up my mind when i see him.

December

It's that time of year!
The past few years i have been down. Unemployed, just down.
This year, i feel lighter. Employed, happier.
I'm Happy.
Christmas lights make me happy.
Radio stations playing Christmas carols...yup...make me happy!
Leaving before the ass-crack of dawn for my road trip.
Super excited...and... happy!!
Huh. Maybe i should have named the title of this post "Happy".
Nah. Too repetitive.

I just don't know WHAT to think

That says it all. Doesn't it?
Talking with...S...
i can't get a handle on him.
Is he a Dom? or does he use that as an excuse to be a bully and a dick.
He is walking a fine line.
and i just don't know what to think.
Very annoying.

So much, yet not enough

Date with man #2...i won't think i will be seeing him again.
But the upside...yes, there is an upside...i got out, i had a pretty good time.
i didn't back out.
i didn't let fear or anxiety hold me back.
i am proud of myself.
Two down...one to go?
Not so fast!
We have a new candidate!
So, two down. Two to go!
The other aspect of my life...work.
It's all good. Tiring. Long.
Looking forward to a long weekend away on my roadtrip next weekend.
So, while a lot is going on...not too much is going on.

The latest

My 50th post. Confetti...horns...champagne...or just Wow.
Work has been crazy busy. I feel like i've been hit by a train. i don't go in until 5 and i need this lazy time.
As for my new search for a man, a Dom, Master, Daddy...it's going well.
i just made plans with D for Saturday. A drink, maybe dinner, maybe more. i will see what happens, play by ear. BET i am looking forward to being handled. commanded. used.
On a first meet...yeah, maybe that makes me a slut, but for right now...i'm good with that.
If i am not around tomorrow I would like to wish everyone a Happy, Blessed and Wonderful Thanksgiving!
For the service men and woman away from their families keeping us all safe and free...Thank you for your service, sacrifice and Bless you all.

Bad blogger...Bad sub?

Oh holy busy.
It has not been my intention to not write, not blog...BUT...Oh holy busy.
My new job started hopping and i am just trying to keep up.
I spent today in my pj's, taking in chicken noodle soup and decongestants.
And resting. Just resting.
As for being a bad sub. Well. i don't think i am.
Remember the new guys/Doms i have been talking to?
I met one for lunch.
Nice guy. Will be a nice friend.
The next guy...been texting, emailing. i am getting red flags.
He is too much too soon and not patient.
i get i am a sub, but i have self preservation.
i will not do things at work.
i will not take naked pics for anyone i am not in a relationship yet...that includes a pic of the tattoo on my back shoulder.
He doesn't get it.
He has got to go.
i am going to curl up with a cup of tea and rest.
A long week ending in black Friday.
i will try to be a better blogger for those who come here to read my thoughts.
Wishing you all a beautiful Sunday.

Then again...

I went to lunch with one of the cm guys.
Well...he was nice.
He was sweet.
He was funny.
He just wasn't for me.
At least not in THAT way.
Still talking to a few men.
We'll see what happens.
Hopefully soon.
I need contact.
Naked, skin to skin, contact.

The latest

Well, i have two conversations going on.
Serious enough that i am looking forward to meeting either or both in the next few weeks.
They are both nice, completely different from each other and different from Him.
They are both very dominant.
Good personalities.
Both have said things that have made me shiver and very wet.
Things are looking up.
On the down side...He called.
Didn't leave a message, but thanks to iPhone caller id, i know He called.
I just don't know why.

100

I have had 100 page views...THANK YOU ALL!!

Converstions

Well, it all has to start somewhere.
That initial feeling out of each other.
I dislike this part.
I'm not a big fan of tooting my own horn (so to speak).
I tend to be quiet, shy and pretty modest.
But that reads as boring.
Which I am definitely not.
So, these first emails, introductions...the start of something...maybe.

Quick follow up

Well.
Back on collarme.
Have had one very good conversation. And a the prospect of another one with someone else.
Two out of a slew of messages.
Sure there were the whack-o's and male subs...no, thanks anyway...
Not bad for being back on for an hour.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
Nighty!

So that happened.

Or didn't.
Surprising as it maybe, I'm fine.
An ending should hurt more. Shouldn't it?
I guess that means it didn't mean a whole hell of a lot to begin with.
Everything is a learning experience.
What did I learn from him?
Solidified my enjoyment of spankings.
Huh. That's about it.

And now we wait

i sent the email.
Not straight out "What the fuck is going on"... close, just worded differently.
i did want to call him out.
i'm almost glad i didn't.
almost.
we'll now just have to wait and see what, if anything, is said in reply.
Unfortunately, the way i am thinking and what's been going on in my head...i don't think it will be much if anything at all.

Collarme

That is where i met Him.
Since then i have kept my profile hidden.
i had no interest in talking with or meeting anyone else.
i found my Dom.
Or so i thought.
i am having doubts, big time.
Not hearing from Him makes it worse.
i just updated my profile. my journal. my likes. my curiosities
i have kept it hidden...for now.
It is up to Him.
Come tomorrow night, i will know one way or the other.
Funny side note...definitely not funny "haha"...just funny "huh"...Today is our anniversary.
8 months.
huh.

Quandry

i have learned from past mistakes.
Don't assume.
That was a big one for me.
If i didn't hear from someone for a few days, i would assume the worst and send an email saying "thanks for the fun, guess it's at an end, see ya."
i was correct in my assumptions, maybe 30% of the time. The others i would get an email back saying pretty much, ok, but that was your choice.
i am struggling now.
i NEED communication (wow is that a repeated theme on this blog so far or what??!!).
He is not taking care of his submissive.
He is not taking care of the heart, mind and soul that i placed in his care.
i have not heard from Him since Wednesday. When i do, it's a few sentences in an email.
What do i think? What do i do? What do i write? Do i write??
i do not want to go another week with these thoughts.
i don't want to go another day.
Very torn. i keep starting an email, but stop myself and delete.
i don't want to repeat past mistakes, but i need something. i need either an explanation or a good bye.
As much as i care about Him, i will be good with either.

Next day

Work was tiring. But better.
I'm still achy.
Tea, heating pad, i will be all good in the am...or pm, depending when i wake up.
i have nothing exciting to report otherwise.
Too sleepy to play.
i haven't had much communication with Him.
i NEED it. That connection. If we can't see each other i need words, written or spoken.
That is lacking.
That is distressing.
That will change, or i let go.

Bad day

New job. Yeah!
Not so good day. Boo.
Frustrated.
Achy.
Really frustrated.
i calmed down. Realized that i just needed to say (to myself, not out loud) "fuck it" and "not my job"...then do my task, finish then ask what's next.
i have to keep repeating "fuck it" and work.

Goings on

Work was fun on Monday.
Tiring, long day, but it was fun finally being a productive member of society again.
And earning a paycheck.
Bonus.
i am messaging the same man from Fetlife...fun, flirty, naughty.
Do i have guilt, considering i am "with" Him...i should, shouldn't i?
i know i am being a bad submissive...talking to a man, another Dom, without Him knowing.
Strangely, i don't have guilt.
Something is missing with Him and i.
Spending time together, communicating.
Important things.
Anyway...i have some new toys coming.
Clamps. Dildos, plugs...and some sort of ball thing that goes up my pussy.
Not ben wa balls...those scare me. How on earth do they come out?
No, these have a cord to pull them out.
Very intrigued.
i am so looking forward to playing.

Snowmageddon

Snow. Holy crap.
A foot and a half.
A shit load.
That kept me stranded at my brothers for the weekend.
It looked like the day before Christmas, not the day before Halloween outside.
i had fun up there, always do.
i don't travel with toys and never have contact with Him.
So when i get horny, frustrated and needy there is no where for me to go to relieve the pressure and want to cum.
Huh.
Now i am wondering why is it that i have been home since 2pm and have yet to fuck myself silly.
Oh. Yeah. No permission.
Damn.
Maybe i just add it to the list he seems to be keeping of things i need to be punished for when we finally are in the same room.
i believe that is exactly what i will do.
out comes the toy box!!
WooHoo!!

Sick n Horny

Welcome cold and flu season. Now go away.
Thankfully it is just a cold.
Now, when i am not feeling well, whether it's a cold or period cramps, i do not get horny.
i want to curl up and sleep until i feel better.
Not this time.
i need to be filled.
Fucked.
i need to cum so badly.
my only outlet right now are my toys.
He is on a business trip.
i need cock.
Speaking of Him...He sent me a story. Maybe why i am so restless and needy...but it includes punishment for things i may not have told him...ummmm oops.
Sure, as my blog has detailed there are several things i have not told him...Damn.
i may not be able to sit after i finally see Him.

Fetlife

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Noise

He broke the silence.
Called and sang happy birthday to me.
It was sweet.
Maybe too little too late.
We'll see.
In the meantime...i'm loving my weekend.

Silence

Silence can be loud.
It is in this case.
I refuse to let it bring me down.
This should be...NO...WILL be a fun weekend.
Party. Friends. Food. Drinks. Presents.
I will look at as his loss.
And it is.

Muses

She waits paitently for her Dom. her Daddy. her Master.
On her knees. in her heels. Stockings. Lace and silk.
Waiting on her love. Soon to be whole again.
His touch makes her feel that way.
Whether it is a caress or sharp spank to her bare ass.
It is her place.
His pleasure.
His needs and wants are hers to see to.
her pleasure and honor to see to.
Without his words, his touch, his presence she feels adrift, no center, no focus.
Waiting paitently for the door to open to see, feel, taste her Dom, her Daddy, her Master.

Quiet

i don't mind the quiet.
i can be by myself, i don't need to fill the stillness and quiet with noise or unnecessary conversation.
But this kind of quiet, i don't know what to do with.
Oh, there was a phone call.
A message left.
Funny thing was, i had turned my phone off.
The quiet phone was unnerving me.
i listened to the message.
Got shivers when he called me 'baby'.
Felt my pussy drip when i listened to him tell me how hard he was.
How he was thinking of me.
Jerking off.
Cumming.
For me.
Well, not for me. For my voice message.
And then it's quiet again.
Except for in my head.
The questions.
Non stop.
i wish it was quiet again.

My day

my day was...uneventful.
i caught up on laundry, cleaning i didn't do this weekend.
Something was missing. He was missing.
Not one email or phone call.
With no words from him, i don't like how i feel.
i don't like how i think.
i question.
i reevaluate.
i haven't heard from him since Friday.
i don't like how i feel, or what i am thinking.
Not one bit.

Exhausted

Damn i'm tired.
Emotionally
Physically
Beat down.
Drained.
Did i get worn out by Him? No.
Did i run a marathon? Funny...no.
What did i do this weekend to warrant my aching bones. What did i do to have this inability to walk without pain?
i went to New York Comic Con.
Friday and Saturday spent walking, standing, waiting, people watching, shopping, discovering, jostling through crowded walkways filled with men and woman who really shouldn't wear skin tight body suits...did i mention people watching?
i am a geek at heart. i love all things star wars, some comics, a lot of video games, sci-fi...it was nerd mecca.
i had a hell of a great time, it was worth the massive discomfort i have right now...and will go again next year.
i'm only sorry i wasn't able to get there today...i took it as a sign when it took me five minutes to walk to the bathroom.

Easy

Yes, i am.
Only for the right guy.
Sorry, tangent.
Why can't something be easy for a change?
i understand anything worth having is worth working hard for.
i am not afraid of hard work.
Never have been.
But just once i would like to not have it be so difficult.
To climb, claw and bust my ass.
i honestly don't know what to do.

On the hunt

Currently i am hanging around, waiting.
i don't want to get showered and dressed too soon.
i don't want to leave the house too early.
i have a job interview at 3.
i'm not nervous.
i have the same attitude each time...i get it, i get it. i don't, i don't.
keeps me calm.
sorta.

Wine

Wine...
While visiting my sister, it is necessary (espically when i can't find my xanax).
Wine...
Right now, and come the morning. SUCKS.

Weekend

All in all, a good weekend.
Sports wise...well, not so much.
i played.
i've been very needy, very horny.
He knows i get this way a week before my period.
and boy am i ever.
i grabbed my plugs.
All of them.
The red one.
And the two new ones.
i was needing to cum. badly.
i didn't start small...oh, no. not me.
i started with the new black glass one.
i lubed it up and pushed.
hard.
i felt myself spreading.
but not enough.
so i quickly changed to the other new glass one.
my ass swallowed it quickly.
i needed more though.
so i pushed the glass out and rammed the red one in deep.
it may not be as thick, but it's longer.
Ahhhhh.
i rubbed my clit to a hell of an orgasm.
it was good.
not nearly enough.
but good for now.
Oh.
i did all this without permission...oops. ;)

Toys Pt. 4

After putting my new toys away in my toybox (stashed under the bed), i dressed and went about my day.
With my pussy dripping wet, and ass tingeling from being cleaned out.
It wasn't long before i was able to get away for some quiet time.
i stripped out of my clothing again.
grabbed my toybox, lube, a towel and made myself comfy in bed.
the unexplored new toys were the plugs and the vibe.
i got into my position, when alone anal is easier on my side to start...
i squeezed lube on my anus and some on the thich bulb of the plug.
i was a little scared. it is bigger then anything i have done to myself before.
but i heard his voice in my head, pushing me, directing me.
i lined the plug up and pushed.
oh. oh. my. ouch.
Oooooooo.
it took about 5 min of fucking, stretching, pushing until i felt my ass open and swallow the plug.
So. Fucking. Good.
i laid on my back, grinding my ass down into the bed.
Quickly grabbing the vibe, turning it on and pressing it directly on my clit.
i needed to be filled, so i didn't wait to fuck my cunt.
i plowed the viberator in deep.
Feeling the vibrations against the plug from inside me...well...was almost too much.
i pumped my hips up and down, each time grinding my ass harder into the bed.
i slammed the vibe in deep.
Closed my legs.
and ravaged my clit with my hand.
i fucked myself for a long time. denying myself. playing as my Master would have wanted me too.
In my mind i was begging to cum.
begging my Master to let me cum.
i closed my eyes. pinched my clit hard. heard Him say "Cum for me pet"
and i did. hard. long.
I was bucking, shaking for a long time after.
Cumming again when i pulled the vibe out.

It took a while to recover.
i laid there in a puddle of my cum.
my ass still filled.
i rolled back on my side, grasped the end of the plug, pulled a little as i pushed it from my body.

i am getting worked up and horny writing this.
i believe i will try out the last remaing toy...the bigger plug.
maybe that with the flogger.

That sounds like a wonderful idea.

Toys Pt. 3

i love the UPS man.
He brings me things that make me scream, in pleasure, in pain.
Make me quiver, shiver and cum.
Add to that having the house to myself...well, i had a a hell of an afternoon.
i opened the box quickly...understatement...
Brought them out one by one.
Swirled glass butt plug. Shorter then what i have now, but wider.
Black glass butt plug. Wider then the swirled one.
Pink Evolved vibrator.
Thigh high stockings.
Bull nose nipple clamps.
and finally the black and red flogger.
Oops...well...ah hell...there was one other thing.
If i can't be honest and forth coming on my own blog, where can i be?
i got an anal douche.
Yup. so i can be squeaky clean for his use and for when i play with my plugs.

Wow.

i washed everything.
i stripped.
i picked up the clamps.
my nipples were already hard.
i attached one to my left nipple...and detached it quickly.
sharp pain. something i don't want to experience alone.
my next toy to try out was the flogger.
i am so curious about this...i softly whipped it against my arm. then my stomach. harder on my thigh.
harder still on my tits...a that point my knees went weak and i began to shake.
Instead of going for the vibe or plugs...i went for the anal douche.
i filled a cup with warm water.
filled the bulb, attached the sleeve to the tip.
Laid on my side.
Lubed my anus.
Lubed the tip.
And i pushed it all the way in.
And i squeezed.
And i LOVED it.
so much that i filled myself four more times.
i felt it in my ass. i felt it in my tummy.
Held it for as long as i could and expelled the water.
Pushing that in my ass, making myself hold it...i felt so very submissive and so fucking turned on.
This will have to be continued...unfortunately life gets in the way of play.

Punished?

i paid for doubting.
Sorta...if you call non stop cumming, "punishment".
He used me, hard.
He tried to fuck the doubt out of me.
Reminding me how good W/we are together.
How no one else knows me like He does.
He is correct. No one knows the submissive side.
The kinky, nasty, naughty side of me.
What he doesn't realize is he can't give me what another man can.
There is a man out there that can give me the kink with a vanilla facade.
But.
For now.
i am reminded.
i am not doubting the lust. The passion. The need. His control.

New Toy Pt. 2

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Rest in Peace Steve Jobs

Vision, grace, humility, genius.
This planet is a better place because of your thoughts, inventions.
Thank you for your time here.
Heaven just got a lot smarter.
God Bless & Keep You Mr. Jobs.

New Toy

i love gadgets.
games.
i have several.
my favorite is my Kindle...i'm obsessed...bury it with me.
i'm an adult, but have a DS...love puzzle games.
i have an ipod.
Normally i am not much of an Apple girl.
but it's time to upgrade my phone...well, mine HAS been acting wonkey. Not just looking for an excuse to get a new toy. Well, not really.
So. i am faced with a question.
iPhone?
or the newest Droid?
Now...i am a huge Star Wars fan, Lucas (even with all his tinkering) can do no wrong in my mind and heart. So, when the Droid came out i was all over it.
With my latest upgrade, i am not so certain.
i've read reviews...i've researched.
And still i am unsure.
Any recommendations?
As for other kinds of toys...personal...adult toys...Well, i will be shopping for them tonight too.
Again...any recommendations?

I still have faith.

i am a huge sports nut.
Football. (pro and college)
Baseball.
Hockey.
Soccer.
Lacrosse.
You name it, i would probably enjoy it.
Right now, i'm not enjoying my baseball so much.
i am watching one of my teams go down in the series...i hate best of five.
but i have faith.
Always have hope and faith.

Answers

i asked.
i am physically unable to let something linger and fester.
And you know what? i'm better for it.
i know now.
Where i stand.
What to expect.
Am i happy with the response.
No.
i had hopes, i had expectations.
Both have been dashed.
But for now, i have fun. i enjoy. i take it for what it is.
All the while looking for what is best for ME and moving forward.
i will sleep better tonight.

The Unknown

i am very big about saying what's on my mind.
i don't stew. i don't dwell. i don't fester.
on anything. It's not healthy.
Then why am i doing it now?
i am open, need communication, want and have to know where i stand.
This is with everything.
Not just relationships, but in everything.
When my heart and head are heavy i feel like i don't function well.
So i ask again...why am i doing it now?

Craving

i crave many things right now.
Pizza.
Baseball...damn rain.
Being filled, pounded, used, spanked over the arm of the couch i am currently sitting on.
Beer.
Damn. i'm going to be 0 for 4 tonight.
Unless i take it upon myself to feel...filled.
i wonder if i can work around the whole permission thing.
Hmmm.

Feelings

Today i am needy, lonely and annoyed that i feel so needy and lonely.
Before discovering my submissive nature, yes discoverd...i was raised to know, think and speak my mind, very independant...still am.
Expcet now i answer to Him.
When i was needy before, i took care of myself.
If i was lonely before, i went out, to find friends, do somthing to relieve that feeling.
Except now i have Him.
He happens to be on a business trip.
He isn't answering his email.

Great. Now i am even more annoyed.

Pain

There are may kinds of pain.
Physical, emotional, mental, sexual...erotic.
i am currently annoyed because i am in physical pain.
A tooth ache.
With no dental insurance.
This sucks...and not in the good way.

Hello, Welcome!!!

i am new to having a blog. Still finding my way.
In fact, i just discovered the Stats link...It says i have had visitors, readers...people!!!
Hi!! (insert excited wave here)
Please, leave a comment.
Say hello.
i love making new friends.
i can't promise earth shattering, life changing words, but i will do my best to entertain, make ya laugh, maybe cry, maybe think...i will never be politically correct, and will get sexual from time to time. If you are easily insulted, or take things too seriously, you may want to click away and never return.
Thoes of you who are left, WELCOME, it's nice to meet you!

Weekend

What a great weekend.
Spent time with family yesterday.
A quick im with Him. That left me all warm and fuzzy.
And today....Ahhhh, an almost perfect Fall Sunday.
(i say almost because i'd rather spend it with Him, but alas..)
Anyway, it has been an almost perfect sports day. Almost because two of my teams are still playing.
So far, favorites have won, hateds have lost.
Good sports day.

Mind Changes?

When my curiousity about BDSM started i did research. A lot of research. Google is a wonderful, yet scary thing. Plug in a key word and Whoomp...information...a whole wide spectrum of info.
Sites, blogs, groups...information from different sources and people.
Many of the blogs i still read today. One of them (along with numerous mentions from Him to journal) was inspiration for starting my own blog.
Now many of the blogs i found on my first Google search are gone. Some with no warning, just a link that says removed or blog no longer exists. Many leave good bye notes. Thank you for caring, my journey and path has changed.
i wish all well, of course.
But wonder now, over a year since i googled, researched my inital feelings...What changed for them.
Why now.
Knowing my own mind, my own needs, my own heart...i am entwined in this. It is not a whim, it is not a game. It is a way of life. One i love.
But could it change? Just like that? It did for them.
Something else to Google?
i wonder what the key words would be.

Words

Words can do so many things.
Make us smile, cry, hurt, heal...
His words made me glow. His words soar. His words made me cry (in the good way).
His words made my day.

Permission

i miss Him.
Buuuuuttttttt i have one of the next best things...His permission.
Given with the task of journaling 110% of everything i do.
i'm giddy.
i will also be going now.
Enjoy your nights friends...i will!!

Enough?

I love any contact I have with Him.
Emails. Few phone calls. Some cam time. Few same room hours.
On his time. On his whim.
I take what I get. Love and enjoy every second.
But I need more.
I became interested in D/s for the contact. The control. The need to be under someone's hand, on my knees. Used. Commanded. Needed.
I want...require...the teather to that one person. Trust completely, openly. Constantly. Consistantly.
I love Him. Very much. But is so little enough?

A Decade

It really doesn't feel that long.

God Bless America.
God Bless our service men and woman.
God Bless and keep the souls lost this day 10 years ago.
Thought about and missed every day.
There is a hole in my heart, a hole in my skyline.
To all brave souls, their families...Thank you and God Bless you all.
9/11 NEVER FORGET.

Wonderful Surprise

Was pleased to see an im on Google+ from my Man this evening.
He's wonderful. He's also very busy. I understand this. But get frustrated when I don't hear from him. We are in a D/s relationship. The basis is the s gets D...we haven't perfected it yet. i need more, but am patient with his job and family commitments.
Tonight meant a lot to me.
i saw my Man via web cam. He commanded me, He dominated me. He made me happy.
Going to sleep now, achey, pleasured, and happy.

Oh. I will get more graphic as i get more comfortable with this blogging thing.
Sleep sweet! I know i will!

Wet

Miss leading title hun??
Made it through the hurricane with slight water damage. 2 inches in the basement. With surrounding towns still dark and underwater, i'll take 2 inches.
Looking at this blog...kinda boring right now.
That will change. I promise. and i NEVER break a promise.

The other woman

Welcome (i always try to be polite) hurricane Irene. Please don't stay long.
It is disconcerting to see NYC deserted, major roadways closed.
I dread to see what the coming hours brings.
I am going to lose myself in a book or four...it's a good way to pass the time and ride out the storm.
Be safe East coast and God Bless.

First of many?

Maybe. Could be. Possibly.
I never kept a diary as a young girl, why would I start a blog...more importantly, who would even care or know...
I would. Maybe HE would.
I have been asked several times to journal my feelings about TTWD...this is as good a place as any.

This won't just be about THAT...althought that is the most entertaining part. There is the job hunt, new online classes...the rollercoaster of life.
So, let's see how and where this goes.