Down Days

Everyone is healthy.

The weather is beautiful.

Yet i am in a funk.

i have said to everyone throughout this job search...
"i don't get too high. i don't get too low. i just keep at it."

It's a lie.

i am very low right now.
Having a hard time pulling myself up.

i will be spending some time with my brother and his family this weekend.

Maybe that will bring a smile to not only my face, but to my soul.

i need to feel that.

Being down sucks.
Being on the cusp and looking down into a pit of depression really sucks.

Know what doesn't suck...a pit of puppies.
i can't wait until i pull up and the pit of depression turns into a pit of puppies.

So Much Nothingness For So Long

i haven't had much to say.

Not exactly what someone with a blog...any sort of blog...vanilla or otherwise...should admit to.
And being away for so long...naughty, bad blogger.
Spank me.

And yet
Things seem to be turning around with the turn of the weather.

The job search is stagnant.
Resumes out and about.
No word back.

O is in the wind and i am glad for it.
He turned into a grade A, heartless SOB.

S.
Ah. S.
With some things He says, He makes me tell him "God save me from you being an ass."
Not a very submissive statement is it?!
He is a great guy. With brain farts.
Seems as if he is looking for a statement or sign that i want to break up with him.
Not so.
i would like more time with him.
i've told him so, often.
W/we've finally had sex.
It was great.
He took pictures of his cock in my mouth.
His cock in His cunt.
(i have fucked myself to the pics, with his permission, often)
i didn't cum.
He did.
Deep in my cunt.
It was in a safe window in my cycle.
He freaked a bit.
i finally have my period.
Thankfully.
Neither of us are ready for that step.
Will we ever be?
Don't know.

T.
Even with everything with S.
i am still hung up on T.
We haven't met...yet.
Coffee is planned before his next Canada trip.
Coffee were i go pantyless.
Last night...and right now...we had and are having the hottest im conversation i have ever experienced.
Even other ones with him haven't been this hot. This needy. This amazing.
i am a different person with T.
i let go completely.
No shame. No judgement for what i need. What i want.
The only problem?
i don't know if He is single.
i am a horrible person. But i can't stop. i don't want to stop.

So that is where i am.
my head is all over the place.
Same with my heart.

Easy

Yes, i am.
Only for the right guy.
Sorry, tangent.
Why can't something be easy for a change?
i understand anything worth having is worth working hard for.
i am not afraid of hard work.
Never have been.
But just once i would like to not have it be so difficult.
To climb, claw and bust my ass.
i honestly don't know what to do.