What Now

i have so many things to work through.

The job hunt is on going.
and going
and going.
Sigh.
Is the end in sight?
i sure as hell hope so.

Men.
Dominant Men.

Sigh.

i don't even know where to begin.

Roll call!

M.
We talk every night.
Yet i am frustrated.
He's hiding something.
If i can't get Him to open up...i'm done.
Soon.

D.
Oh. This one makes my head spin.
We haven't attempted a meeting since the last one went to shit.
But we cam and talk almost daily.
i don't have a great deal of patience.
He is wearing it thin.
But for some reason,
i am so very interested.
He makes me hope.
For something.
For everything i have been searching for.

T.
my handsome boy.
We have hot hot hot phone/im sex.
More?
i don't believe so.
But it's fun.

Is there anyone else?
Actually, there is.
i don't know where he fits in yet.
Meaning?
i don't know if he is single.
i don't know if he's honest.
That is a lot not to know.

So much. Too much and
i am so damn tired.

Silence

To me there is a difference between quiet and silence.

Quiet, i can deal with, i actually like.
It's peace.
It's not having to fill every second with sound.
Being comfortable not to have to say anything.

Silence.
i don't do well with silence.
Silence fills my brain with
What did i do?
What did i say?
Too many questions.
Dark, scary answers are formed.
Silence makes me feel alone, abandoned.

i wish i could totally get past it.
There are times where i feel like
i am in a better place with it.
i don't jump as quickly to the conclusions i used to.
i feel like i just say, whatever, or it is what it is
When i feel the silence envelope me.

But it lingers.
Until i hear something
Anything.
Noise to fill the void.

Time to Catch up

Summer is in full swing.

Sorta.

Definitely party wise.
Party's for graduations, party's for just cause it's Saturday.

Summer is not in full swing weather wise.
i was shivering last night.
At a graduation party.

Full body, i wish i wasn't wearing flip flops, crops and a thin tshirt.
Shivers.

Now, i don't dislike the chilly weather.
In fact, i enjoy that over the sweltering, sunny, sweat weather.
But this was just wrong.

Anyway, party was great.
Weekend away was relaxing and fun.
Great friends, good food and drink.

Back to reality, back to the grind.
What grind can an out of work person have you ask?

The grind of not going insane while researching and looking for employment.

That is harder then any day i spent at an actual paying job.

As this is shaping up as being a random, all over the map
Weather, i am unemployed post,
i may as well add how things are going with the newest cast of characters.

M
Sweet, talk nightly on im
Some talk of moving on to the next phase, phone,
But he seems reluctant.
Red flag.
Married?
Lying about something.
Hiding.
i don't know.
Will see what happens this week.

D
im conversations as well.
He as given me tasks, that i have obeyed.
Love this.
A lot.
Pictures have been exchanged.
Naughty ones.
Very out of character for me.
He has my personal email.
Not just yahoo.
No red flags as of yet.
Have to see what happens tomorrow.
He was away this weekend, and hasn't replied to my email yet.
i don't want to get my hopes up just yet.

S
Met for lunch a week and a half ago.
Shared easy conversation.
Enjoyed each others company.
Haven't heard from him since.
Not a great loss, i wasn't attracted to him, but would have been nice for him not to disappear.
i would have enjoyed talking with him.
He was interesting, funny.
Just didn't feel it.

That catches us up for now.
i will update what Monday brings, whether D responds and how my conversation with M tonight goes.

Left Hanging

That is how i feel.

D and M.

Both conversations have come to a complete halt.
D, well, that doesn't bother me so much.
We hadn't talked long.
i have written him off.

But M.
We have talked every night.
Not missing a night.
A few hours conversation.
Not just about D/s/
Everything.
It was nice.
Beyond nice.
It felt good.

Then last night, i sent a remark, can't even tell you what it was.
No reply.
Nothing.
i am waiting online for him, even though i feel it that he's not coming back.
Ah well.

Concentration focused on ST.
Hope tomorrow goes well.
i need to relax, get beauty sleep.
Focus on the real world.
Not the world that goes on in the im box.

No matter how real and right that box of conversation felt.

Time Travel, Please

i hate this part.

Can't we figure out a way to fast forward through this?
Crystal ball?
Time machine maybe?

The unease.
The unknown.

i would really like to know without getting hurt.
Physically
Emotionally.

ST and i have moved on to phone conversation.
So far it's enjoyable.
Meeting is set for Tuesday at one of the bigger malls in the area.

M and i talk online every night.
i am unsure.
He doesn't give up much personal information.
Huge red flag.
If he opens up it could be a good thing.

D and i were chatting, but he left the conversation suddenly and hasn't responded since.
That has put him out of the picture.

i wonder if you can build a time machine out of a Jeep?
Oh, where is Doc Brown when you need him?!

Who's Who

Since being back on cm i have gotten messages and started conversations with several interesting men.

i am very curious about three.

M.
Lives in CT, but that's not too far away.
Have had a great im conversation with him.

ST.
i have his phone number.
Debating calling tonight

D.
i gave him my im.
i hope we chat soon.

The newest cast of characters.
i can't wait to see what happens next.