Time to Catch up

Summer is in full swing.

Sorta.

Definitely party wise.
Party's for graduations, party's for just cause it's Saturday.

Summer is not in full swing weather wise.
i was shivering last night.
At a graduation party.

Full body, i wish i wasn't wearing flip flops, crops and a thin tshirt.
Shivers.

Now, i don't dislike the chilly weather.
In fact, i enjoy that over the sweltering, sunny, sweat weather.
But this was just wrong.

Anyway, party was great.
Weekend away was relaxing and fun.
Great friends, good food and drink.

Back to reality, back to the grind.
What grind can an out of work person have you ask?

The grind of not going insane while researching and looking for employment.

That is harder then any day i spent at an actual paying job.

As this is shaping up as being a random, all over the map
Weather, i am unemployed post,
i may as well add how things are going with the newest cast of characters.

M
Sweet, talk nightly on im
Some talk of moving on to the next phase, phone,
But he seems reluctant.
Red flag.
Married?
Lying about something.
Hiding.
i don't know.
Will see what happens this week.

D
im conversations as well.
He as given me tasks, that i have obeyed.
Love this.
A lot.
Pictures have been exchanged.
Naughty ones.
Very out of character for me.
He has my personal email.
Not just yahoo.
No red flags as of yet.
Have to see what happens tomorrow.
He was away this weekend, and hasn't replied to my email yet.
i don't want to get my hopes up just yet.

S
Met for lunch a week and a half ago.
Shared easy conversation.
Enjoyed each others company.
Haven't heard from him since.
Not a great loss, i wasn't attracted to him, but would have been nice for him not to disappear.
i would have enjoyed talking with him.
He was interesting, funny.
Just didn't feel it.

That catches us up for now.
i will update what Monday brings, whether D responds and how my conversation with M tonight goes.

Completely Done

i found my back bone.

S is completely history.
i am 100% fine with that.
He continued how he was, at the very least he is lazy.
At the most he really was uninterested in putting in any time or effort.

Pardon my mouth...but i just don't give a shit anymore.

i am submissive, but i do not and will not walk on egg shells.
i was doing that.
i feel the need to spank myself for that.

i wish you well S...but good riddance.

Sigh

There are times when i wonder if i have a back bone.

i've had surgery there.
X-rays.
So. Medically, i know it's there.

S is back.
Not that he was gone long.

Why?
Don't know.

Am i good with it?
Don't know.

For how long?
Don't know.

We've had a decent talk.
There needs to be more though.

Will there be?
i just don't know.

Sigh.

Jumbled

It's what i've been.
i hate it.

All over the place.
No focus.
No anchor.

A lot of this has to do with S.

i've had my questions and doubts about him.
Maybe i've ignored that inner voice.
But i thought there was something good to be had there.

i was wrong.

i won't say anymore about him.
he doesn't deserve it.

Something interesting has been happening.
Thoughts of Him.
More often.
It was His birthday.
i stopped myself from sending him an email.
Do you know that even if you delete someone from your contacts the address stays there?
Yea, i found that out when i typed his in.

i didn't send it.
The first anniversary of our first meeting is coming up.
i passed the hotel recently.
i had a very physical reaction.
An unwelcome one.
i need to move past.

So.
Where to go from here.
Blogging more.
Going back to collarme.
Maybe fetlife.
The last one i am unsure of.

i know what i need.
i know what i crave.
i just seem to have an issue finding it and holding on.

So Much Nothingness For So Long

i haven't had much to say.

Not exactly what someone with a blog...any sort of blog...vanilla or otherwise...should admit to.
And being away for so long...naughty, bad blogger.
Spank me.

And yet
Things seem to be turning around with the turn of the weather.

The job search is stagnant.
Resumes out and about.
No word back.

O is in the wind and i am glad for it.
He turned into a grade A, heartless SOB.

S.
Ah. S.
With some things He says, He makes me tell him "God save me from you being an ass."
Not a very submissive statement is it?!
He is a great guy. With brain farts.
Seems as if he is looking for a statement or sign that i want to break up with him.
Not so.
i would like more time with him.
i've told him so, often.
W/we've finally had sex.
It was great.
He took pictures of his cock in my mouth.
His cock in His cunt.
(i have fucked myself to the pics, with his permission, often)
i didn't cum.
He did.
Deep in my cunt.
It was in a safe window in my cycle.
He freaked a bit.
i finally have my period.
Thankfully.
Neither of us are ready for that step.
Will we ever be?
Don't know.

T.
Even with everything with S.
i am still hung up on T.
We haven't met...yet.
Coffee is planned before his next Canada trip.
Coffee were i go pantyless.
Last night...and right now...we had and are having the hottest im conversation i have ever experienced.
Even other ones with him haven't been this hot. This needy. This amazing.
i am a different person with T.
i let go completely.
No shame. No judgement for what i need. What i want.
The only problem?
i don't know if He is single.
i am a horrible person. But i can't stop. i don't want to stop.

So that is where i am.
my head is all over the place.
Same with my heart.

All's Quiet On This Front

A whole lot of nothing.

Sigh.

In a way, it's good.
Gives me time to reflect, take stock, plan.

What do I want.
What do I need.

I wish I had the answers.

In the meantime...
My mourning period has ended.

My sweet kindle.

His brother kindle, KT (kindle touch) is here.
I don't know what to make of it just yet.
If I'm comfortable with it.

I am taking my time to make sure.
As I am with S. Taking my time to make sure.

New Start?

Well, S knows about the other men.
i told him.
He was taking me for granted and i let him in that there are men who want more with me.
Me.
Yea, i'm blown away by that.
Anyway.
He needs to stop being uncommunicative, dismissive.
That's not him. And i wanted to know why he felt he could treat me that way.
Yes. i'm submissive. Sexually. i won't tolerate being treated like he has been.
Was it an ultimatum.
No.
i don't do them.
i said my peace.
i like him.
Want to see where W/we can go.
The other guys are friends.
Waiting for him to fail.
Waiting for me to come to my senses?
i still have faith in S.
i have seen his heart, his humor...i like what i've seen.
i just need consistency.
If not...well...

Cast of Characters

Looking back over my blog...things are a bit confusing.
i am single. Looking for a partner, boyfriend, Dom, Master.
i need that to be in one person. i can not be in a vanilla relationship and have a Dom on the side.
i am honest and loyal. i need to be in love and respected by my Dom, and would never cheat to get that.
Right now...well, it seems as if i am juggling a few men.
i don't believe i am.
i believe i am trying to find the one man who will respect, love, train, and collar me...as well as share the every day.
The men i am talking with:
S: He is divorced, three kids. He doesn't communicate well, but i do enjoy being with him. Unfortunately i don't know what will come from him day after day.
T: i have talked with him the longest. W/we haven't met yet. W/we have had AMAZING cyber and phone sex. He is divorced, one kid (grown up), funny, sweet. It looks like i will finally see him in a week and two days.
O: i met him in person last year. For what ever reason we lost contact. Only recently reconnecting.
He is older, knows who he is and what he wants. That is a great turn on. Has the communication skills S lacks.
It is hard finding a man to share your life with in a vanilla relationship. Throw in kink and it's near impossible.
i am trying to follow my gut and my heart.
And as Dory says in "Finding Nemo" "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"

What's new

i did not mean to let so much time go between posting.
Bad blogger.
As for being a sub...well...
i am so lost feeling when it comes to S.
What are we?
What are his expectations?
i am even questioning whether or not he would respect my limits.
i have a hard limit of adding anyone to our play and/or relationship.
He makes comments.
"I should give you to a domme"
Ummm...no. no you shouldn't.
He asked me what my dirties fantasy was.
as a FANTASY...it's being fucked by two men at the same time.
BUT in REAL life i want my mans cock and a dildo.
He said he wants to give me that...with him and another man.
my next conversation with him will be about my limits.
His limits.
If they don't align...well, we are both wasting our time.
We did have that conversation after we first met.
Now it seems as he is changing his tune.
A tune that i won't sing.
i maybe a sexual submissive but i have a backbone. i have my limits. i and they will be respected.
We'll see what happens next.

Finally

i am back to work tomorrow.
Jury duty came and went.
i didn't convict anyone.
i didn't actually sit on a jury.
i spent my time off of work reading, relaxing with my heating pad (wonky back), talking and seeing S.
Everything but jury duty.
Oh well.
Back to normal tomorrow, followed by family party.
Something i want to tell S about. But another, stronger feeling, that it's too soon.
i would like him there. i believe he would get along with my friends and family well.
i think i will go with the stronger feeling and not invite him.
We'll see.
Happy weekend everyone!

A Dark & Stormy Night

i hate to take the start of Snoopy's great novel, but it is fitting.
Last night, in the rain, snow, freezing rain...i met S for a date.
It was last minute. i hate last minute, but decided to go anyway.
He has kids, so needs to plan around them.
Anyway, around 7ish he called.
i showered.
Packed some of my new toys.
And drove.
and drove.
Finally meeting Him.
i love that he hugs. i love his kisses.
Even in the freezing rain.
We had coffee.
i followed him to his house.
What i saw of it, it's nice.
He kissed me.
Stripped me.
Put me on my knees.
And fucked my face.
Hands tight in my hair.
All i could do was breath and try and give him what he wanted, needed.
We tried some of the toys.
Nipple pumps.
Inflatable butt plug.
i am still tender in places.
Still wanting him.
Wishing the weather had been better to stay longer.
He warmed me, used me, gave me pleasure before i had to go home.
It was spur of the moment, but turned out being something spectacular.

Lately

i have been in a bit of a funk.
Not wanting to talk, blog.
Just wanting to be.
That doesn't give you anything to read about and for that i am sorry.
On the bright side...well, maybe it's a bright side, still too soon to tell...
S is still in the picture.
He has been more communicative.
There is a new man.
And an old friend popping back in.
C is the new man.
He is way more Dom like then anyone i have talked with or been with yet.
He makes me squirm.
He makes me wet.
T is the old friend.
Fun, sweet, rough...i have enjoyed our talks greatly.
We shall see.
But for now, i am just going to be.
Refresh.
Recover.

Post Christmas goings on

Well, last night after weeks of talking and meetings being interrupted by work and life...
S and i finally met face to face.
and lip to lip...but that came later.
We agreed to meet at a Starbucks between where we live.
It was pouring rain. Buckets.
But that didn't put a (pardon the pun) damper on things.
We had a great conversation over coffee.
Followed by a walk when the rain stopped.
Followed by him pulling me close and kissing me.
Mmmm
He is such a good kisser.
His hands wandered down my back...to my ass.
Oh, and did i mention he instructed me to insert a butt plug?
i did.
He was pleased. And proceeded to press into it.
Even further pleased when i informed him i didn't have panties on.
Following that we went for a drive, no where in particular, to see the Christmas lights. i drove.
Followed by parking in a dark spot to talk more.
He asked where my head was.
What i wanted.
i stepped out on the ledge and told him
"You. i want to submit to you."
Thinking back gives me such shivers.
He grabbed my hair and pulled me to him in a kiss so hot.
He pinched my nipples.
(i have very sensitive nipples)
and kissed me silly.
Today has brought some texts.
Being busy with work.
i am not going to get my hopes up.
i like him, a lot.
and would love to see where things go and what grows.