What Now

i have so many things to work through.

The job hunt is on going.
and going
and going.
Sigh.
Is the end in sight?
i sure as hell hope so.

Men.
Dominant Men.

Sigh.

i don't even know where to begin.

Roll call!

M.
We talk every night.
Yet i am frustrated.
He's hiding something.
If i can't get Him to open up...i'm done.
Soon.

D.
Oh. This one makes my head spin.
We haven't attempted a meeting since the last one went to shit.
But we cam and talk almost daily.
i don't have a great deal of patience.
He is wearing it thin.
But for some reason,
i am so very interested.
He makes me hope.
For something.
For everything i have been searching for.

T.
my handsome boy.
We have hot hot hot phone/im sex.
More?
i don't believe so.
But it's fun.

Is there anyone else?
Actually, there is.
i don't know where he fits in yet.
Meaning?
i don't know if he is single.
i don't know if he's honest.
That is a lot not to know.

So much. Too much and
i am so damn tired.

What A Day

Well. That happened. Or didn't.

Backstory!!!!

D and i have talked a lot.
Great conversations.
Laughter.
Naughty and nice.
Dom and sub.
It's been oh so good.

So, yesterday we made plans to get together today.
i wasn't able to get out of going to my sisters, so today was the day.

i didn't sleep well last night.
It took forever for me to fall asleep.
Waking when my alarm went off around 8.
i layed there being nervous for another hour.
Shower, shaved bare, body lotion...pampered myself
Mindful that i maybe touched everywhere when i finally see him.

i dress. His only request, my comfort...is no panties.
No problem-o.

Khaki shorts, pink vneck tshirt, beige bra and NO panties.
Flip flops.
Hair done, light makeup.

i was out the door by 11.
Ran an errand.
He was working half day.
We chatted before i hit the parkway.
GPS programmed and i was off.

Meeting at a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Upstairs, by the large windows.
12:30, but maybe a little late...wait for me...He asked.

As is my way, i was early.
No problem.
Bathroom, wander around the mall.
Then i went to the second floor.
By the large windows.

And i waited.
i leaned.
i sat.
i read.
a lot.
and i waited.
i txted Him.
No answer.
i was patient.
Really, i was.
By the second hour i was less patient.
Bright site, i read three books and didn't pay a cent.

Fast forward a bit...
i was upset.
Worried.
Sad.
Lonely.
Worried.

He didn't show up.
i actually felt bad leaving.

i don't think i have ever felt so horrible in my life.
my mind went whirling.
Did He see me and not want to meet me?
Did He change his mind?
Then anger.
i drove up the Parkway in a daze.
Until 5 miles from home i get a Yahoo instant message.
From Him.

i pulled off to very next exit and found a parking lot.
NO TEXTING AND DRIVING
Anyway...
He was in a car accident.
Was still at the garage where he was towed.
We had a great conversation.
He knew i was upset.
i was worried he was hurt.
Feeling like crap that i felt like crap.
i cried.
Freaked him out.
But i did.
We aren't going to see each other tomorrow.
But we said soon.
Soon.
Soulda been today if that asshole hadn't rear ended my mans BMW.

i was supposed to be rear ended.
Damn it.

Even though He had an accident, he was unhurt...i felt...
Better
Lighter
Happier
He didn't mean to leave me waiting.
His car was smashed and phone was crapped out.
Shit happens.

My day didn't turn out as planned.
But laying here, after feeling the way i did
People watching at B&N
It could have been so much worse.

Silence

To me there is a difference between quiet and silence.

Quiet, i can deal with, i actually like.
It's peace.
It's not having to fill every second with sound.
Being comfortable not to have to say anything.

Silence.
i don't do well with silence.
Silence fills my brain with
What did i do?
What did i say?
Too many questions.
Dark, scary answers are formed.
Silence makes me feel alone, abandoned.

i wish i could totally get past it.
There are times where i feel like
i am in a better place with it.
i don't jump as quickly to the conclusions i used to.
i feel like i just say, whatever, or it is what it is
When i feel the silence envelope me.

But it lingers.
Until i hear something
Anything.
Noise to fill the void.

Successful First Conversation

"Do you like to be naughty." -D

"yes" -me

"Do you have any toys?" -D

"Yes, i have a toy bag" -me

"Get out your favorite and wait for me" -D

Oh. My.

Things have gone from negative 4 to 50 in no time.
i figured out voice and video chat on yahoo.

Enjoyable.

Not just typing the words, but hearing his voice and then seeing him.

Beyond enjoyable.

We talked for over 2 hours.
While He was at work.

About everything.
Animals,
Family,
Frustrations,
Parties...

You name it, we hit on a little.

Then he asked the above questions.

And i melted.
Then He made me cum.
Twice.

Then i watched Him cum.

Outstanding.

Best.
First.
Conversation.
Ever.

He messaged me thru the afternoon.

i am happy.
Hopeful.

Time to Catch up

Summer is in full swing.

Sorta.

Definitely party wise.
Party's for graduations, party's for just cause it's Saturday.

Summer is not in full swing weather wise.
i was shivering last night.
At a graduation party.

Full body, i wish i wasn't wearing flip flops, crops and a thin tshirt.
Shivers.

Now, i don't dislike the chilly weather.
In fact, i enjoy that over the sweltering, sunny, sweat weather.
But this was just wrong.

Anyway, party was great.
Weekend away was relaxing and fun.
Great friends, good food and drink.

Back to reality, back to the grind.
What grind can an out of work person have you ask?

The grind of not going insane while researching and looking for employment.

That is harder then any day i spent at an actual paying job.

As this is shaping up as being a random, all over the map
Weather, i am unemployed post,
i may as well add how things are going with the newest cast of characters.

M
Sweet, talk nightly on im
Some talk of moving on to the next phase, phone,
But he seems reluctant.
Red flag.
Married?
Lying about something.
Hiding.
i don't know.
Will see what happens this week.

D
im conversations as well.
He as given me tasks, that i have obeyed.
Love this.
A lot.
Pictures have been exchanged.
Naughty ones.
Very out of character for me.
He has my personal email.
Not just yahoo.
No red flags as of yet.
Have to see what happens tomorrow.
He was away this weekend, and hasn't replied to my email yet.
i don't want to get my hopes up just yet.

S
Met for lunch a week and a half ago.
Shared easy conversation.
Enjoyed each others company.
Haven't heard from him since.
Not a great loss, i wasn't attracted to him, but would have been nice for him not to disappear.
i would have enjoyed talking with him.
He was interesting, funny.
Just didn't feel it.

That catches us up for now.
i will update what Monday brings, whether D responds and how my conversation with M tonight goes.

Who's Who

Since being back on cm i have gotten messages and started conversations with several interesting men.

i am very curious about three.

M.
Lives in CT, but that's not too far away.
Have had a great im conversation with him.

ST.
i have his phone number.
Debating calling tonight

D.
i gave him my im.
i hope we chat soon.

The newest cast of characters.
i can't wait to see what happens next.