Jumbled

It's what i've been.
i hate it.

All over the place.
No focus.
No anchor.

A lot of this has to do with S.

i've had my questions and doubts about him.
Maybe i've ignored that inner voice.
But i thought there was something good to be had there.

i was wrong.

i won't say anymore about him.
he doesn't deserve it.

Something interesting has been happening.
Thoughts of Him.
More often.
It was His birthday.
i stopped myself from sending him an email.
Do you know that even if you delete someone from your contacts the address stays there?
Yea, i found that out when i typed his in.

i didn't send it.
The first anniversary of our first meeting is coming up.
i passed the hotel recently.
i had a very physical reaction.
An unwelcome one.
i need to move past.

So.
Where to go from here.
Blogging more.
Going back to collarme.
Maybe fetlife.
The last one i am unsure of.

i know what i need.
i know what i crave.
i just seem to have an issue finding it and holding on.

Confession

When it ended with Him i was hurt.
Duh.
i have moved passed it.
But still
He comes to mind every now and then.
i Wonder how his nana is fairing.
How he is.
Yes. Who he is with.
Not often.

W/we were very vocal and communicative.
Hundreds of emails.
Stories.
Fantasies.
Teasing.

Those were deleted in December.

Two voice mails remain.

i've listened to them both twice.

His deep, commanding, sexy voice as he talks dirty to me.
Stroking his cock as he tells me how he misses me.
What he wants to do with me.
Using his nickname for me.
Moaning my name when he cums.

Fuck.
i know i need to delete them.
Cut the last reminder.
But i am finding it difficult.

i know there is no way to go back.
i wouldn't want to.

But listening to him jerk off...seeing him naked in bed, watching me, stroking...
sigh
i can't delete it just yet.

although i wish i could.

Wondering

Things on my mind lately.
Christmas presents...what to get who, will they like it, should it get. such a vicious circle.
Job...is there growth? will it go past seasonal? do i even want it too?
Men, Dom & Him...Still talking with S. Haven't been able to meet in person yet. Work, his kids and life seem to get in the way. Which is fine. This is a busy time of year.
And Him.
i hate that i still think of him. Wonder. Hope he and his family are well. Think back of our time together and want to know why he bailed. Sigh.
i would love to stop wondering and thinking about him.
i believe i will try to think about Christmas, carols, candies, Christ, presents, family, lights and decorations instead.
Hope that works out.

And now we wait

i sent the email.
Not straight out "What the fuck is going on"... close, just worded differently.
i did want to call him out.
i'm almost glad i didn't.
almost.
we'll now just have to wait and see what, if anything, is said in reply.
Unfortunately, the way i am thinking and what's been going on in my head...i don't think it will be much if anything at all.

Collarme

That is where i met Him.
Since then i have kept my profile hidden.
i had no interest in talking with or meeting anyone else.
i found my Dom.
Or so i thought.
i am having doubts, big time.
Not hearing from Him makes it worse.
i just updated my profile. my journal. my likes. my curiosities
i have kept it hidden...for now.
It is up to Him.
Come tomorrow night, i will know one way or the other.
Funny side note...definitely not funny "haha"...just funny "huh"...Today is our anniversary.
8 months.
huh.

Quandry

i have learned from past mistakes.
Don't assume.
That was a big one for me.
If i didn't hear from someone for a few days, i would assume the worst and send an email saying "thanks for the fun, guess it's at an end, see ya."
i was correct in my assumptions, maybe 30% of the time. The others i would get an email back saying pretty much, ok, but that was your choice.
i am struggling now.
i NEED communication (wow is that a repeated theme on this blog so far or what??!!).
He is not taking care of his submissive.
He is not taking care of the heart, mind and soul that i placed in his care.
i have not heard from Him since Wednesday. When i do, it's a few sentences in an email.
What do i think? What do i do? What do i write? Do i write??
i do not want to go another week with these thoughts.
i don't want to go another day.
Very torn. i keep starting an email, but stop myself and delete.
i don't want to repeat past mistakes, but i need something. i need either an explanation or a good bye.
As much as i care about Him, i will be good with either.

Next day

Work was tiring. But better.
I'm still achy.
Tea, heating pad, i will be all good in the am...or pm, depending when i wake up.
i have nothing exciting to report otherwise.
Too sleepy to play.
i haven't had much communication with Him.
i NEED it. That connection. If we can't see each other i need words, written or spoken.
That is lacking.
That is distressing.
That will change, or i let go.

Sick n Horny

Welcome cold and flu season. Now go away.
Thankfully it is just a cold.
Now, when i am not feeling well, whether it's a cold or period cramps, i do not get horny.
i want to curl up and sleep until i feel better.
Not this time.
i need to be filled.
Fucked.
i need to cum so badly.
my only outlet right now are my toys.
He is on a business trip.
i need cock.
Speaking of Him...He sent me a story. Maybe why i am so restless and needy...but it includes punishment for things i may not have told him...ummmm oops.
Sure, as my blog has detailed there are several things i have not told him...Damn.
i may not be able to sit after i finally see Him.

Fetlife

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Noise

He broke the silence.
Called and sang happy birthday to me.
It was sweet.
Maybe too little too late.
We'll see.
In the meantime...i'm loving my weekend.

Quiet

i don't mind the quiet.
i can be by myself, i don't need to fill the stillness and quiet with noise or unnecessary conversation.
But this kind of quiet, i don't know what to do with.
Oh, there was a phone call.
A message left.
Funny thing was, i had turned my phone off.
The quiet phone was unnerving me.
i listened to the message.
Got shivers when he called me 'baby'.
Felt my pussy drip when i listened to him tell me how hard he was.
How he was thinking of me.
Jerking off.
Cumming.
For me.
Well, not for me. For my voice message.
And then it's quiet again.
Except for in my head.
The questions.
Non stop.
i wish it was quiet again.

My day

my day was...uneventful.
i caught up on laundry, cleaning i didn't do this weekend.
Something was missing. He was missing.
Not one email or phone call.
With no words from him, i don't like how i feel.
i don't like how i think.
i question.
i reevaluate.
i haven't heard from him since Friday.
i don't like how i feel, or what i am thinking.
Not one bit.

Punished?

i paid for doubting.
Sorta...if you call non stop cumming, "punishment".
He used me, hard.
He tried to fuck the doubt out of me.
Reminding me how good W/we are together.
How no one else knows me like He does.
He is correct. No one knows the submissive side.
The kinky, nasty, naughty side of me.
What he doesn't realize is he can't give me what another man can.
There is a man out there that can give me the kink with a vanilla facade.
But.
For now.
i am reminded.
i am not doubting the lust. The passion. The need. His control.

The Unknown

i am very big about saying what's on my mind.
i don't stew. i don't dwell. i don't fester.
on anything. It's not healthy.
Then why am i doing it now?
i am open, need communication, want and have to know where i stand.
This is with everything.
Not just relationships, but in everything.
When my heart and head are heavy i feel like i don't function well.
So i ask again...why am i doing it now?

Feelings

Today i am needy, lonely and annoyed that i feel so needy and lonely.
Before discovering my submissive nature, yes discoverd...i was raised to know, think and speak my mind, very independant...still am.
Expcet now i answer to Him.
When i was needy before, i took care of myself.
If i was lonely before, i went out, to find friends, do somthing to relieve that feeling.
Except now i have Him.
He happens to be on a business trip.
He isn't answering his email.

Great. Now i am even more annoyed.

Words

Words can do so many things.
Make us smile, cry, hurt, heal...
His words made me glow. His words soar. His words made me cry (in the good way).
His words made my day.

Permission

i miss Him.
Buuuuuttttttt i have one of the next best things...His permission.
Given with the task of journaling 110% of everything i do.
i'm giddy.
i will also be going now.
Enjoy your nights friends...i will!!

Enough?

I love any contact I have with Him.
Emails. Few phone calls. Some cam time. Few same room hours.
On his time. On his whim.
I take what I get. Love and enjoy every second.
But I need more.
I became interested in D/s for the contact. The control. The need to be under someone's hand, on my knees. Used. Commanded. Needed.
I want...require...the teather to that one person. Trust completely, openly. Constantly. Consistantly.
I love Him. Very much. But is so little enough?