Jumbled

It's what i've been.
i hate it.

All over the place.
No focus.
No anchor.

A lot of this has to do with S.

i've had my questions and doubts about him.
Maybe i've ignored that inner voice.
But i thought there was something good to be had there.

i was wrong.

i won't say anymore about him.
he doesn't deserve it.

Something interesting has been happening.
Thoughts of Him.
More often.
It was His birthday.
i stopped myself from sending him an email.
Do you know that even if you delete someone from your contacts the address stays there?
Yea, i found that out when i typed his in.

i didn't send it.
The first anniversary of our first meeting is coming up.
i passed the hotel recently.
i had a very physical reaction.
An unwelcome one.
i need to move past.

So.
Where to go from here.
Blogging more.
Going back to collarme.
Maybe fetlife.
The last one i am unsure of.

i know what i need.
i know what i crave.
i just seem to have an issue finding it and holding on.

At the starting gate yet again

S turned out to be a bust.

i am self aware.
i know my faults.
i try and improve where i lack.
Not repeat past mistakes.
And yet continue to be treated the same way.
i'm going to throw everything out.
Throw away the second guessing, the holding my tongue, the what-ifs, feeling like i'm on egg shells.
Gone.
i feel lighter at this starting gate.
Let's see who's to come.