What Now

i have so many things to work through.

The job hunt is on going.
and going
and going.
Sigh.
Is the end in sight?
i sure as hell hope so.

Men.
Dominant Men.

Sigh.

i don't even know where to begin.

Roll call!

M.
We talk every night.
Yet i am frustrated.
He's hiding something.
If i can't get Him to open up...i'm done.
Soon.

D.
Oh. This one makes my head spin.
We haven't attempted a meeting since the last one went to shit.
But we cam and talk almost daily.
i don't have a great deal of patience.
He is wearing it thin.
But for some reason,
i am so very interested.
He makes me hope.
For something.
For everything i have been searching for.

T.
my handsome boy.
We have hot hot hot phone/im sex.
More?
i don't believe so.
But it's fun.

Is there anyone else?
Actually, there is.
i don't know where he fits in yet.
Meaning?
i don't know if he is single.
i don't know if he's honest.
That is a lot not to know.

So much. Too much and
i am so damn tired.

So Much Nothingness For So Long

i haven't had much to say.

Not exactly what someone with a blog...any sort of blog...vanilla or otherwise...should admit to.
And being away for so long...naughty, bad blogger.
Spank me.

And yet
Things seem to be turning around with the turn of the weather.

The job search is stagnant.
Resumes out and about.
No word back.

O is in the wind and i am glad for it.
He turned into a grade A, heartless SOB.

S.
Ah. S.
With some things He says, He makes me tell him "God save me from you being an ass."
Not a very submissive statement is it?!
He is a great guy. With brain farts.
Seems as if he is looking for a statement or sign that i want to break up with him.
Not so.
i would like more time with him.
i've told him so, often.
W/we've finally had sex.
It was great.
He took pictures of his cock in my mouth.
His cock in His cunt.
(i have fucked myself to the pics, with his permission, often)
i didn't cum.
He did.
Deep in my cunt.
It was in a safe window in my cycle.
He freaked a bit.
i finally have my period.
Thankfully.
Neither of us are ready for that step.
Will we ever be?
Don't know.

T.
Even with everything with S.
i am still hung up on T.
We haven't met...yet.
Coffee is planned before his next Canada trip.
Coffee were i go pantyless.
Last night...and right now...we had and are having the hottest im conversation i have ever experienced.
Even other ones with him haven't been this hot. This needy. This amazing.
i am a different person with T.
i let go completely.
No shame. No judgement for what i need. What i want.
The only problem?
i don't know if He is single.
i am a horrible person. But i can't stop. i don't want to stop.

So that is where i am.
my head is all over the place.
Same with my heart.

Cast Changes

T.
Ah crap.
The s.o.b. has a live in...i honestly don't know what to call her.
He says it started out as her needing a place to stay.
He said it seemed like a good idea at the time. They sleep together.
But, here is the best part. He's not happy.
Why.
i don't know.
i am pissed.
i like this guy.
Looked forward to getting to know more.
Funny.
Smart.
Cute.
Alpha.
Talented.
What the fuck.

Cast of Characters

Looking back over my blog...things are a bit confusing.
i am single. Looking for a partner, boyfriend, Dom, Master.
i need that to be in one person. i can not be in a vanilla relationship and have a Dom on the side.
i am honest and loyal. i need to be in love and respected by my Dom, and would never cheat to get that.
Right now...well, it seems as if i am juggling a few men.
i don't believe i am.
i believe i am trying to find the one man who will respect, love, train, and collar me...as well as share the every day.
The men i am talking with:
S: He is divorced, three kids. He doesn't communicate well, but i do enjoy being with him. Unfortunately i don't know what will come from him day after day.
T: i have talked with him the longest. W/we haven't met yet. W/we have had AMAZING cyber and phone sex. He is divorced, one kid (grown up), funny, sweet. It looks like i will finally see him in a week and two days.
O: i met him in person last year. For what ever reason we lost contact. Only recently reconnecting.
He is older, knows who he is and what he wants. That is a great turn on. Has the communication skills S lacks.
It is hard finding a man to share your life with in a vanilla relationship. Throw in kink and it's near impossible.
i am trying to follow my gut and my heart.
And as Dory says in "Finding Nemo" "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"