So Close, Yet So Far

It's been a hard 2013.

Too many doctors.
Too little fun.

I am recovering from surgery.
Almost 9 weeks now.
Slow and steady recovery
Has me antsy and frustrated.
Epically frustrating since I can't play.

But I shouldn't complain.
The pre surgery pain is gone.
Going to therapy to regain motion.
Hope soon to work on strength.

The rest of my family have see too many hospital visits as well.
It is rough witnessing parents start to decline.
Thankfully my mother is digging in her heels and fighting.

NEW CAST OF CHARACTERS:

JJ
My forever Master?
Likely no.
Could he be? Yes. But he's not ready for something that following his divorce.
My forever best friend. Yes.
We have nearly everything in common.
Spending time with him is fun, relaxing.
We both need that friendship.
Sex?
Yes.
Great sex. Oh yes.

EmailDom (ED)
Have not met yet.
Hope to.
Our emails and online interaction are promising.

S
A lot of baggage.
I love making him laugh.
Lives a good distance away.

D
Would love to be able to meet him.
Lives an even greater distance away.

T
Known the longest.
Mostly yahoo contact.
Have spoken on the phone a few times.
Lives in my town.
He's yummy.
The things he wants to do to me make me shivery.

D
Met for lunch two weeks ago.
He confuses me.
I can't wrap my brain around it yet.
Even now, trying to type it out...I can't.

M
Pops in ever now and then.
I could consider him a serious choice.
But won't until he stops disappearing on me.

I really should whittle down this lineup.

That's where I am.
Recovering.
Moving.
Considering.

Vent. Rant. Release.

To blog more, or ever.

That's what I wanted.

Finally my mind is so jam packed that I need to let off the steam.

Most is not of a kinky, D/s subject. Too little of it is actually.

I am on and off cm.

I have a profile up, but haven't visited it. I've actually ignored it.

Why?

J.

He is my best friend. We have some kink.

Not the kind I need. Not a commanding Dom.
But he is what I need in ever other aspect.

Right now, we are having fun. Enjoying each others company.

What comes of it...for either of us, I don't know. And I am fine with that.

For now.

NON D/s segment.
I need to get this out of my brain before it comes out of my mouth.
It is safe here. Doesn't harm the people I want to keep from hearing it...

There is a couple in New england right now who are evil.

I believe in good. Evil. God. Karma.

You both are despicable.

You will get what you have coming to you.

I say from time to time that I don't hate anyone, except terrorists...well, I can amend that.

I hate you both. You're in company with terrorists. Congrats.
I will not dwell on it. It will not consume me. Especially since I have let it go from my thoughts.

Just know that if you both were on fire and I had a glass of water...I would drink it.

New Years Eve Eve

There hasn't been much going on here.

I've been sick as a dog since Christmas Day.

After meds, rest, tea and other fluids I feel like I've turned the corner.
(Knock on wood, fingers crossed)

If that holds true I will be spending NYE (a holiday I usually detest), with my guy.

Weird to say.

Weird.

If it actually happens.

I don't want to make him sick.

But if the trend stands...feeling better than the day before...well...my year may start out so much better than the past two have.

Happy, Healthy, Blessed New Year to all!

Merry Christmas

Things have been tough lately.

Doctors appointments, pains, unknowns.

But through it all I am blessed.

Wonderful family, friends...and an anchor. My Master.

So much to say, but going to finish this post (composed on my new iPad), watch a Christmas Story (again) and enjoy the rest of this beautiful holiday with my family.

Merry Christmas, one and all.

Home

i haven't been on a vacation in years.

Long weekends once or twice a year.

A quick getaway from the daily life in Norther NJ.

We are just back from our winter/Christmas trip to Maine.

Their slogan is "Maine. The way life should be".

It's true.

Slower.
Back to nature.
Simple.
Beautiful.

I would love to be back there now.

Make it home, instead a once a year trek.

Uproot everything. Sell. Consolidate. Move.

i can't see it happening, but

Never say never.

Post Cookie Post

What time is it?

ROAD TRIP TIME!

Will mobile check in when can.

Happy Weekend everyone!!

Merry Cookie Exchange!! Gluten Free Snikerdoodles

One of the most horrific things i faced when going gluten free years ago, was the loss of Christmas treats.

Not so any longer!

There are a world of recipes and products out there to stuff a celiacs head and tum with visions of gf sugar plums and puddings!

While not in this recipe, there is a magic product (and expensive. but magic) called C2C.

Available at WilliamSonoma Cup2Cup is a gluten free flour that you don't need to do math or measurements or combos of things never heard of, to bake with. It is magic.

On with the baking....

GLUTEN FREE Snikerdoodles!


Ingredients

• 1/2 c. (1 stick) butter, softened
• 3/4 c. sugar
• 1 large egg
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla
• 1 c. white rice flour
• 1/2 c. potato starch
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. cream of tartar
• 1/2 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. xanthan
• 2 Tb. sugar
• 2 tsp. cinnamon

Instructions

1. In the bowl of your mixer, cream together the butter and sugar.
2. Add the egg and vanilla and beat several minutes until light and fluffy.
3. In another bowl, combine flour, starch, salt, cream of tartar, baking soda, and xanthan gum.
4. Add dry ingredients to wet. Combine on low speed until combined then beat on medium speed about 30 seconds more.
5. In a very small bowl, combine the 2 Tb. sugar and the cinnamon.
6. Roll the dough into balls approximately 1 1/4 inches in diameter. Roll the balls in the cinnamon sugar.
7. Place them on a greased cookie sheet (Or parchment paper, better yet silicone mat) about 2 – 3 inches apart.
8. Bake at 350 degrees about 10 minutes.
9. Move to cookie rack to cool.
10. Enjoy!!

i so hope i am doing the link thing correctly and the links work to all the delicious treats and thoughts of these wonderful people...

Advizor54

aisha

Ally

Autumn in jeans

Beth

Dana

Elysia

Emi J,

Fiona

Greengirl

Hedone

HisLilAngel

Joey

Julia

Jz

Krissy

lil

Linda Long

Little Monkey

mouse (her recipe here, her blog here)

Mrs. Soft Bottom

Ms. Constance

Naughty Kitty

nilla

Penelope

Ronnie

Ryan Beaumont

Sassy

selkie, (her recipe here, her blog here)

Serenity

sin

Striving for Peace

TemptingSweets

Tom

Veronica

 

Merry Baking and Eating Everyone!

Shivers

I have them right now.

In a very good way.

Hoping hard things work out.

More to come.

Keep On Keeping On

i have not been doing well lately.

Not just lately, i guess. Since the summer.

i've gone against what i try to do.

Don't get too high, don't get too low.

To just keep swimming.

i've gotten too low.
and
i am barely treading water.

Gotta tell you.
It sucks.

i've forgotten that writing what's in my head makes me feel better.

i hope to keep that at the forefront in the coming days and weeks.

There are some things to catch up on.

Not right now.
i need to feel a little more steady before opening myself,
Remembering and telling.

i don't have right to ask for patience with me, but i'd like it anyway.

my journey has been hard, i've not been unscathed,
But i believe i am back on the road and out of the muck & mire
That i have been traveling through for months now.

Urge

I get the urge to blog when I am away from my laptop.

I am really not making any sense lately.

Long Time, No Say

Things have been quiet here.
Well, not really.

Things just haven't been worth writing about.
I've tried.
I have sat at the laptop
Ready to type....aaaaaand
Nothing.

Something is brewing.
Hopefully to get the creative
And other
Juices flowing.

I can only hope, wait and see.
It would sure be a nice change.

What Now

i have so many things to work through.

The job hunt is on going.
and going
and going.
Sigh.
Is the end in sight?
i sure as hell hope so.

Men.
Dominant Men.

Sigh.

i don't even know where to begin.

Roll call!

M.
We talk every night.
Yet i am frustrated.
He's hiding something.
If i can't get Him to open up...i'm done.
Soon.

D.
Oh. This one makes my head spin.
We haven't attempted a meeting since the last one went to shit.
But we cam and talk almost daily.
i don't have a great deal of patience.
He is wearing it thin.
But for some reason,
i am so very interested.
He makes me hope.
For something.
For everything i have been searching for.

T.
my handsome boy.
We have hot hot hot phone/im sex.
More?
i don't believe so.
But it's fun.

Is there anyone else?
Actually, there is.
i don't know where he fits in yet.
Meaning?
i don't know if he is single.
i don't know if he's honest.
That is a lot not to know.

So much. Too much and
i am so damn tired.

What A Day

Well. That happened. Or didn't.

Backstory!!!!

D and i have talked a lot.
Great conversations.
Laughter.
Naughty and nice.
Dom and sub.
It's been oh so good.

So, yesterday we made plans to get together today.
i wasn't able to get out of going to my sisters, so today was the day.

i didn't sleep well last night.
It took forever for me to fall asleep.
Waking when my alarm went off around 8.
i layed there being nervous for another hour.
Shower, shaved bare, body lotion...pampered myself
Mindful that i maybe touched everywhere when i finally see him.

i dress. His only request, my comfort...is no panties.
No problem-o.

Khaki shorts, pink vneck tshirt, beige bra and NO panties.
Flip flops.
Hair done, light makeup.

i was out the door by 11.
Ran an errand.
He was working half day.
We chatted before i hit the parkway.
GPS programmed and i was off.

Meeting at a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Upstairs, by the large windows.
12:30, but maybe a little late...wait for me...He asked.

As is my way, i was early.
No problem.
Bathroom, wander around the mall.
Then i went to the second floor.
By the large windows.

And i waited.
i leaned.
i sat.
i read.
a lot.
and i waited.
i txted Him.
No answer.
i was patient.
Really, i was.
By the second hour i was less patient.
Bright site, i read three books and didn't pay a cent.

Fast forward a bit...
i was upset.
Worried.
Sad.
Lonely.
Worried.

He didn't show up.
i actually felt bad leaving.

i don't think i have ever felt so horrible in my life.
my mind went whirling.
Did He see me and not want to meet me?
Did He change his mind?
Then anger.
i drove up the Parkway in a daze.
Until 5 miles from home i get a Yahoo instant message.
From Him.

i pulled off to very next exit and found a parking lot.
NO TEXTING AND DRIVING
Anyway...
He was in a car accident.
Was still at the garage where he was towed.
We had a great conversation.
He knew i was upset.
i was worried he was hurt.
Feeling like crap that i felt like crap.
i cried.
Freaked him out.
But i did.
We aren't going to see each other tomorrow.
But we said soon.
Soon.
Soulda been today if that asshole hadn't rear ended my mans BMW.

i was supposed to be rear ended.
Damn it.

Even though He had an accident, he was unhurt...i felt...
Better
Lighter
Happier
He didn't mean to leave me waiting.
His car was smashed and phone was crapped out.
Shit happens.

My day didn't turn out as planned.
But laying here, after feeling the way i did
People watching at B&N
It could have been so much worse.

Mobile Test

i am seeing how the Blogger app works on the iPhone.
So.
Did it work?
i don't know if i like it.
EDITED....ok. i like.

Silence

To me there is a difference between quiet and silence.

Quiet, i can deal with, i actually like.
It's peace.
It's not having to fill every second with sound.
Being comfortable not to have to say anything.

Silence.
i don't do well with silence.
Silence fills my brain with
What did i do?
What did i say?
Too many questions.
Dark, scary answers are formed.
Silence makes me feel alone, abandoned.

i wish i could totally get past it.
There are times where i feel like
i am in a better place with it.
i don't jump as quickly to the conclusions i used to.
i feel like i just say, whatever, or it is what it is
When i feel the silence envelope me.

But it lingers.
Until i hear something
Anything.
Noise to fill the void.

Down Days

Everyone is healthy.

The weather is beautiful.

Yet i am in a funk.

i have said to everyone throughout this job search...
"i don't get too high. i don't get too low. i just keep at it."

It's a lie.

i am very low right now.
Having a hard time pulling myself up.

i will be spending some time with my brother and his family this weekend.

Maybe that will bring a smile to not only my face, but to my soul.

i need to feel that.

Being down sucks.
Being on the cusp and looking down into a pit of depression really sucks.

Know what doesn't suck...a pit of puppies.
i can't wait until i pull up and the pit of depression turns into a pit of puppies.

Tears

i am not in a good way today.

i thought i was, despite the gray weather i was in a pretty good place
Mentally, emotionally.

Now.
i can't seem to stop crying.
And i fucking HATE to cry.

i got a text from someone, who is one of the bright lights in my life.
If i had brothers or sisters, she would be my niece.
Her Dad is the closest thing i have to a brother, to family other then my parents.
Her text made me see and feel like i don't mean as much to her and her family that they do to me.

Hence the tears.
The hurt that i just can't make go away.

Worse yet.
i have no one to talk to.

D is at work.
M is in the wind, again. (getting frustrated with him, another post)

So, on top of the hurt, i feel lonely.

Great. Sob, sad pity party.
Fuck. i hate that.

Too Late For TMI Tuesday

But ah well. i'm a rebel.

TMI

i am obsessed with fisting.

OB. SSESSED.

Do i think i could take it?
Most likely not, but i can't wait to give it a try.

Successful First Conversation

"Do you like to be naughty." -D

"yes" -me

"Do you have any toys?" -D

"Yes, i have a toy bag" -me

"Get out your favorite and wait for me" -D

Oh. My.

Things have gone from negative 4 to 50 in no time.
i figured out voice and video chat on yahoo.

Enjoyable.

Not just typing the words, but hearing his voice and then seeing him.

Beyond enjoyable.

We talked for over 2 hours.
While He was at work.

About everything.
Animals,
Family,
Frustrations,
Parties...

You name it, we hit on a little.

Then he asked the above questions.

And i melted.
Then He made me cum.
Twice.

Then i watched Him cum.

Outstanding.

Best.
First.
Conversation.
Ever.

He messaged me thru the afternoon.

i am happy.
Hopeful.

Time to Catch up

Summer is in full swing.

Sorta.

Definitely party wise.
Party's for graduations, party's for just cause it's Saturday.

Summer is not in full swing weather wise.
i was shivering last night.
At a graduation party.

Full body, i wish i wasn't wearing flip flops, crops and a thin tshirt.
Shivers.

Now, i don't dislike the chilly weather.
In fact, i enjoy that over the sweltering, sunny, sweat weather.
But this was just wrong.

Anyway, party was great.
Weekend away was relaxing and fun.
Great friends, good food and drink.

Back to reality, back to the grind.
What grind can an out of work person have you ask?

The grind of not going insane while researching and looking for employment.

That is harder then any day i spent at an actual paying job.

As this is shaping up as being a random, all over the map
Weather, i am unemployed post,
i may as well add how things are going with the newest cast of characters.

M
Sweet, talk nightly on im
Some talk of moving on to the next phase, phone,
But he seems reluctant.
Red flag.
Married?
Lying about something.
Hiding.
i don't know.
Will see what happens this week.

D
im conversations as well.
He as given me tasks, that i have obeyed.
Love this.
A lot.
Pictures have been exchanged.
Naughty ones.
Very out of character for me.
He has my personal email.
Not just yahoo.
No red flags as of yet.
Have to see what happens tomorrow.
He was away this weekend, and hasn't replied to my email yet.
i don't want to get my hopes up just yet.

S
Met for lunch a week and a half ago.
Shared easy conversation.
Enjoyed each others company.
Haven't heard from him since.
Not a great loss, i wasn't attracted to him, but would have been nice for him not to disappear.
i would have enjoyed talking with him.
He was interesting, funny.
Just didn't feel it.

That catches us up for now.
i will update what Monday brings, whether D responds and how my conversation with M tonight goes.