Not too much

So. What's been happening here?
As post title says...not too much.
Or has there?

The unemployment search is on.
Applying for unemployment. Thank God it's online.
Resumes being emailed, research being done.
i am not going to get too high or too low with this process.

Went to a kick ass concert last night.
My ass and face were rocked off...rock concert you ask? Nope. Country.
My head is still ringing and filled with great music i can not stop singing.

Things with T are at a stand still.
He is out of the country.
Hoping when he is back things heat up.

Things with O. Hmm.
Spent the day with him.
Oh such a great time.

Things with S.
Sigh.
i still don't know.
We text.
He orders.
He commands.
i follow.
Maybe we will be in touching range again. Soon.
i hope.

i need one of these guys to take a stand.
What do they want.
They know where i stand.
i need a full relationship.
D/s, BDSM and vanilla.
Am i asking a lot?

Cliche

Everything happens for a reason.
Yup.
A cliche.
But right now...i hope it's true.
I arrived at work today to see next weeks work schedule...no hours.
Nothing.
Nada.
Ok. Well. i figure that maybe it was just my turn to be off the schedule.
No so much.
After i clocked out, i was told that that was my last day. That's about as unprofessional as it gets.
Seasonal employees are no longer needed.
i had high hopes to stay on.
So.
Everything happens for a reason.
It hurts right now.
The questions.
What did i do?
What didn't i do?
Then i remembered that i busted my ass every day.
Never standing still.
Never leaning.
Always doing something.
Then i look to the management.
Dysfunctional.
Non communicative.
Was i perfect, no. Did i do my best, always.
What's next?
i just don't know.
Everything happens for a reason.
Off to google "unemployment benefits"

Cast of Characters

Looking back over my blog...things are a bit confusing.
i am single. Looking for a partner, boyfriend, Dom, Master.
i need that to be in one person. i can not be in a vanilla relationship and have a Dom on the side.
i am honest and loyal. i need to be in love and respected by my Dom, and would never cheat to get that.
Right now...well, it seems as if i am juggling a few men.
i don't believe i am.
i believe i am trying to find the one man who will respect, love, train, and collar me...as well as share the every day.
The men i am talking with:
S: He is divorced, three kids. He doesn't communicate well, but i do enjoy being with him. Unfortunately i don't know what will come from him day after day.
T: i have talked with him the longest. W/we haven't met yet. W/we have had AMAZING cyber and phone sex. He is divorced, one kid (grown up), funny, sweet. It looks like i will finally see him in a week and two days.
O: i met him in person last year. For what ever reason we lost contact. Only recently reconnecting.
He is older, knows who he is and what he wants. That is a great turn on. Has the communication skills S lacks.
It is hard finding a man to share your life with in a vanilla relationship. Throw in kink and it's near impossible.
i am trying to follow my gut and my heart.
And as Dory says in "Finding Nemo" "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"

What's new

i did not mean to let so much time go between posting.
Bad blogger.
As for being a sub...well...
i am so lost feeling when it comes to S.
What are we?
What are his expectations?
i am even questioning whether or not he would respect my limits.
i have a hard limit of adding anyone to our play and/or relationship.
He makes comments.
"I should give you to a domme"
Ummm...no. no you shouldn't.
He asked me what my dirties fantasy was.
as a FANTASY...it's being fucked by two men at the same time.
BUT in REAL life i want my mans cock and a dildo.
He said he wants to give me that...with him and another man.
my next conversation with him will be about my limits.
His limits.
If they don't align...well, we are both wasting our time.
We did have that conversation after we first met.
Now it seems as he is changing his tune.
A tune that i won't sing.
i maybe a sexual submissive but i have a backbone. i have my limits. i and they will be respected.
We'll see what happens next.

Finally

i am back to work tomorrow.
Jury duty came and went.
i didn't convict anyone.
i didn't actually sit on a jury.
i spent my time off of work reading, relaxing with my heating pad (wonky back), talking and seeing S.
Everything but jury duty.
Oh well.
Back to normal tomorrow, followed by family party.
Something i want to tell S about. But another, stronger feeling, that it's too soon.
i would like him there. i believe he would get along with my friends and family well.
i think i will go with the stronger feeling and not invite him.
We'll see.
Happy weekend everyone!

A Dark & Stormy Night

i hate to take the start of Snoopy's great novel, but it is fitting.
Last night, in the rain, snow, freezing rain...i met S for a date.
It was last minute. i hate last minute, but decided to go anyway.
He has kids, so needs to plan around them.
Anyway, around 7ish he called.
i showered.
Packed some of my new toys.
And drove.
and drove.
Finally meeting Him.
i love that he hugs. i love his kisses.
Even in the freezing rain.
We had coffee.
i followed him to his house.
What i saw of it, it's nice.
He kissed me.
Stripped me.
Put me on my knees.
And fucked my face.
Hands tight in my hair.
All i could do was breath and try and give him what he wanted, needed.
We tried some of the toys.
Nipple pumps.
Inflatable butt plug.
i am still tender in places.
Still wanting him.
Wishing the weather had been better to stay longer.
He warmed me, used me, gave me pleasure before i had to go home.
It was spur of the moment, but turned out being something spectacular.

Lately

i have been in a bit of a funk.
Not wanting to talk, blog.
Just wanting to be.
That doesn't give you anything to read about and for that i am sorry.
On the bright side...well, maybe it's a bright side, still too soon to tell...
S is still in the picture.
He has been more communicative.
There is a new man.
And an old friend popping back in.
C is the new man.
He is way more Dom like then anyone i have talked with or been with yet.
He makes me squirm.
He makes me wet.
T is the old friend.
Fun, sweet, rough...i have enjoyed our talks greatly.
We shall see.
But for now, i am just going to be.
Refresh.
Recover.

Puh...WHAT??!!

It turns out S was frustrated and pissed off at me.
Something i said last Tuesday when we met.
And something...wait for it...he can't remember that i said on Monday night.
That was the almost two days of silence.
i am at a loss.
a complete and utter loss at what to say. think. feel.
i told him i thought he was in the wind.
After we talked some i said that i am not always going to like what he has to say and i will let him know. Communication is essential.
Silence is never golden with me.
Ever.
This doesn't happen again. Next time i won't get worried, then pissed, then upset. i will just get pissed and delete your existence...which i had already...from my iPhone and life.
What next.
Got me.
Just have to see what tomorrow brings.
Oh, i didn't mention to him the men who messaged me on cm in the short amount of time i was on there today.
It was a busy day off.

At the starting gate yet again

S turned out to be a bust.

i am self aware.
i know my faults.
i try and improve where i lack.
Not repeat past mistakes.
And yet continue to be treated the same way.
i'm going to throw everything out.
Throw away the second guessing, the holding my tongue, the what-ifs, feeling like i'm on egg shells.
Gone.
i feel lighter at this starting gate.
Let's see who's to come.

Requirements

i don't require much. i am definitely not high maintenance.
All i ever ask for is honesty, faithfulness and communication.
my only rules are 1. Never lie to me. Anything can be worked out as long as you tell the truth.
2. Don't cheat on me. Have enough respect for me and the relationship to tell me if you are unhappy.
3. Don't ever hit me...well, in anger. I will hit back and never fairly. (lesson learned the hard way). 3. Communication is essential.
So, why do i find the ones who lack communication?
i am at a loss.
Don't know if i am more hurt, angry or confused.
Maybe a little of each.
i hate going back over conversations in my mind to decipher what i may have said to have brought on the silent treatment...it's making my head hurt.
Ah well.
Going to shut my brain down now...before it explodes.