I just don't know WHAT to think

That says it all. Doesn't it?
Talking with...S...
i can't get a handle on him.
Is he a Dom? or does he use that as an excuse to be a bully and a dick.
He is walking a fine line.
and i just don't know what to think.
Very annoying.

So much, yet not enough

Date with man #2...i won't think i will be seeing him again.
But the upside...yes, there is an upside...i got out, i had a pretty good time.
i didn't back out.
i didn't let fear or anxiety hold me back.
i am proud of myself.
Two down...one to go?
Not so fast!
We have a new candidate!
So, two down. Two to go!
The other aspect of my life...work.
It's all good. Tiring. Long.
Looking forward to a long weekend away on my roadtrip next weekend.
So, while a lot is going on...not too much is going on.

The latest

My 50th post. Confetti...horns...champagne...or just Wow.
Work has been crazy busy. I feel like i've been hit by a train. i don't go in until 5 and i need this lazy time.
As for my new search for a man, a Dom, Master, Daddy...it's going well.
i just made plans with D for Saturday. A drink, maybe dinner, maybe more. i will see what happens, play by ear. BET i am looking forward to being handled. commanded. used.
On a first meet...yeah, maybe that makes me a slut, but for right now...i'm good with that.
If i am not around tomorrow I would like to wish everyone a Happy, Blessed and Wonderful Thanksgiving!
For the service men and woman away from their families keeping us all safe and free...Thank you for your service, sacrifice and Bless you all.

Bad blogger...Bad sub?

Oh holy busy.
It has not been my intention to not write, not blog...BUT...Oh holy busy.
My new job started hopping and i am just trying to keep up.
I spent today in my pj's, taking in chicken noodle soup and decongestants.
And resting. Just resting.
As for being a bad sub. Well. i don't think i am.
Remember the new guys/Doms i have been talking to?
I met one for lunch.
Nice guy. Will be a nice friend.
The next guy...been texting, emailing. i am getting red flags.
He is too much too soon and not patient.
i get i am a sub, but i have self preservation.
i will not do things at work.
i will not take naked pics for anyone i am not in a relationship yet...that includes a pic of the tattoo on my back shoulder.
He doesn't get it.
He has got to go.
i am going to curl up with a cup of tea and rest.
A long week ending in black Friday.
i will try to be a better blogger for those who come here to read my thoughts.
Wishing you all a beautiful Sunday.

Then again...

I went to lunch with one of the cm guys.
Well...he was nice.
He was sweet.
He was funny.
He just wasn't for me.
At least not in THAT way.
Still talking to a few men.
We'll see what happens.
Hopefully soon.
I need contact.
Naked, skin to skin, contact.

The latest

Well, i have two conversations going on.
Serious enough that i am looking forward to meeting either or both in the next few weeks.
They are both nice, completely different from each other and different from Him.
They are both very dominant.
Good personalities.
Both have said things that have made me shiver and very wet.
Things are looking up.
On the down side...He called.
Didn't leave a message, but thanks to iPhone caller id, i know He called.
I just don't know why.

100

I have had 100 page views...THANK YOU ALL!!

Converstions

Well, it all has to start somewhere.
That initial feeling out of each other.
I dislike this part.
I'm not a big fan of tooting my own horn (so to speak).
I tend to be quiet, shy and pretty modest.
But that reads as boring.
Which I am definitely not.
So, these first emails, introductions...the start of something...maybe.

Quick follow up

Well.
Back on collarme.
Have had one very good conversation. And a the prospect of another one with someone else.
Two out of a slew of messages.
Sure there were the whack-o's and male subs...no, thanks anyway...
Not bad for being back on for an hour.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
Nighty!

So that happened.

Or didn't.
Surprising as it maybe, I'm fine.
An ending should hurt more. Shouldn't it?
I guess that means it didn't mean a whole hell of a lot to begin with.
Everything is a learning experience.
What did I learn from him?
Solidified my enjoyment of spankings.
Huh. That's about it.

And now we wait

i sent the email.
Not straight out "What the fuck is going on"... close, just worded differently.
i did want to call him out.
i'm almost glad i didn't.
almost.
we'll now just have to wait and see what, if anything, is said in reply.
Unfortunately, the way i am thinking and what's been going on in my head...i don't think it will be much if anything at all.

Collarme

That is where i met Him.
Since then i have kept my profile hidden.
i had no interest in talking with or meeting anyone else.
i found my Dom.
Or so i thought.
i am having doubts, big time.
Not hearing from Him makes it worse.
i just updated my profile. my journal. my likes. my curiosities
i have kept it hidden...for now.
It is up to Him.
Come tomorrow night, i will know one way or the other.
Funny side note...definitely not funny "haha"...just funny "huh"...Today is our anniversary.
8 months.
huh.

Quandry

i have learned from past mistakes.
Don't assume.
That was a big one for me.
If i didn't hear from someone for a few days, i would assume the worst and send an email saying "thanks for the fun, guess it's at an end, see ya."
i was correct in my assumptions, maybe 30% of the time. The others i would get an email back saying pretty much, ok, but that was your choice.
i am struggling now.
i NEED communication (wow is that a repeated theme on this blog so far or what??!!).
He is not taking care of his submissive.
He is not taking care of the heart, mind and soul that i placed in his care.
i have not heard from Him since Wednesday. When i do, it's a few sentences in an email.
What do i think? What do i do? What do i write? Do i write??
i do not want to go another week with these thoughts.
i don't want to go another day.
Very torn. i keep starting an email, but stop myself and delete.
i don't want to repeat past mistakes, but i need something. i need either an explanation or a good bye.
As much as i care about Him, i will be good with either.

Next day

Work was tiring. But better.
I'm still achy.
Tea, heating pad, i will be all good in the am...or pm, depending when i wake up.
i have nothing exciting to report otherwise.
Too sleepy to play.
i haven't had much communication with Him.
i NEED it. That connection. If we can't see each other i need words, written or spoken.
That is lacking.
That is distressing.
That will change, or i let go.

Bad day

New job. Yeah!
Not so good day. Boo.
Frustrated.
Achy.
Really frustrated.
i calmed down. Realized that i just needed to say (to myself, not out loud) "fuck it" and "not my job"...then do my task, finish then ask what's next.
i have to keep repeating "fuck it" and work.

Goings on

Work was fun on Monday.
Tiring, long day, but it was fun finally being a productive member of society again.
And earning a paycheck.
Bonus.
i am messaging the same man from Fetlife...fun, flirty, naughty.
Do i have guilt, considering i am "with" Him...i should, shouldn't i?
i know i am being a bad submissive...talking to a man, another Dom, without Him knowing.
Strangely, i don't have guilt.
Something is missing with Him and i.
Spending time together, communicating.
Important things.
Anyway...i have some new toys coming.
Clamps. Dildos, plugs...and some sort of ball thing that goes up my pussy.
Not ben wa balls...those scare me. How on earth do they come out?
No, these have a cord to pull them out.
Very intrigued.
i am so looking forward to playing.