Confession

When it ended with Him i was hurt.
Duh.
i have moved passed it.
But still
He comes to mind every now and then.
i Wonder how his nana is fairing.
How he is.
Yes. Who he is with.
Not often.

W/we were very vocal and communicative.
Hundreds of emails.
Stories.
Fantasies.
Teasing.

Those were deleted in December.

Two voice mails remain.

i've listened to them both twice.

His deep, commanding, sexy voice as he talks dirty to me.
Stroking his cock as he tells me how he misses me.
What he wants to do with me.
Using his nickname for me.
Moaning my name when he cums.

Fuck.
i know i need to delete them.
Cut the last reminder.
But i am finding it difficult.

i know there is no way to go back.
i wouldn't want to.

But listening to him jerk off...seeing him naked in bed, watching me, stroking...
sigh
i can't delete it just yet.

although i wish i could.

So Much Nothingness For So Long

i haven't had much to say.

Not exactly what someone with a blog...any sort of blog...vanilla or otherwise...should admit to.
And being away for so long...naughty, bad blogger.
Spank me.

And yet
Things seem to be turning around with the turn of the weather.

The job search is stagnant.
Resumes out and about.
No word back.

O is in the wind and i am glad for it.
He turned into a grade A, heartless SOB.

S.
Ah. S.
With some things He says, He makes me tell him "God save me from you being an ass."
Not a very submissive statement is it?!
He is a great guy. With brain farts.
Seems as if he is looking for a statement or sign that i want to break up with him.
Not so.
i would like more time with him.
i've told him so, often.
W/we've finally had sex.
It was great.
He took pictures of his cock in my mouth.
His cock in His cunt.
(i have fucked myself to the pics, with his permission, often)
i didn't cum.
He did.
Deep in my cunt.
It was in a safe window in my cycle.
He freaked a bit.
i finally have my period.
Thankfully.
Neither of us are ready for that step.
Will we ever be?
Don't know.

T.
Even with everything with S.
i am still hung up on T.
We haven't met...yet.
Coffee is planned before his next Canada trip.
Coffee were i go pantyless.
Last night...and right now...we had and are having the hottest im conversation i have ever experienced.
Even other ones with him haven't been this hot. This needy. This amazing.
i am a different person with T.
i let go completely.
No shame. No judgement for what i need. What i want.
The only problem?
i don't know if He is single.
i am a horrible person. But i can't stop. i don't want to stop.

So that is where i am.
my head is all over the place.
Same with my heart.

Speechless

That's what i've felt like lately.

Frustrated, tired...speechless.

If you read here...from the bottom of my heart, Thank you.
i will be back next week.
Between now and then i hope things happen that get my creative and other juices, flowing.